"No treatment required"

Saturday was an emotional day.
I said goodbye to my counsellor, Zoe, who has been my conifidant, my guru, my lifeline for the last 7 months. During our session, she asked me how I felt about our sessions drawing to an end and I cried; she asked if they were sad or happy tears and I replied that they were both.
I found it difficult to utter the words "I'll miss you" but Zoe managed to decipher them for herself, which made it easier.

The great thing about our final session was the acknowledgement that I may have to return for treatment one day, but that it's ok to do so. I know that Mind's doors are always open should I need them and the shame of having to walk through them again is non-existent, in fact I'll miss walking through those doors. The building for me, represents safety and honesty. The ability to metaphorically strip myself of the expectations of society and of the expectations I place on myself, then walk into the building as Me is a feeling that liberated me from the very start. No mask. No forced smiles. Just Me. I'll miss that pokey little waiting room. I'll miss Saturdays.

Missing Mind is ok, because I'll miss them like an old friend, the sort you part with for a while then pick up with exactly where you left off after some time has passed. I won't miss them like a crutch, because I don't need them anymore, officially, I don't need them.

Before leaving, I was given my last mental health assessment and although it indicated a slight anxiety problem, one of which I feel is actually a part of Me, my depression score was 4. This falls under the category of "no treatment required."

How good is that?

I'm officially PND free.

Goodbye PND

 For me, there will never be an end to the recovery, as I'm forever learning and finding new ways to cope with the role of being a Mum. However, it is an end to those dark, frightening, uncertain days. I achieved my goal, which was ultimately, to feel well again.

Today, my partner told me that I seem 'empowered' and he was right. I feel it.nEmpowered by my ability to admit that I had a problem, by my determination to get better, by my strength. It isn't the getting better which empowers us, but our strength to admit that things aren't ok, to seek help and change things. PND may debilitate us for a short time, but the road to recovery is an empowering one and I'm proud of myself for seeking help; it was brave, not weak. 

I've changed as a person; the old me didn't have the confidence or insight that I have today. I'm wiser, more resilient, better equipped. Depression could strike me again, but I know the warning signs and I'm not afraid to deal with it again should I need to. When I was diagnosed with PND, I felt angry with myself, after battling depression 5 years previously, I was never supposed to have to fight the battle again. I was supposed to be cured. I've since lowered my expectations!

I don't expect to not to have to face elements of anxiety or depression in the near future either, parts of my condition will remain I'm sure. But having that insight, the ability to step back and see myself objectively, I'll hopefully be able to deal with anything I need to. It can be difficult to listen to yourself when you're busy, easy to not take notice, but it's important to reflect from time to time. People who don't reflect are more reluctant to change. Change is how we adjust to the world around us. 

It's a shame that I hide behind this blog, many people who read this don't know my name, nor will they see my face. Stigma aside, few want to openly talk about their depression. My work colleagues don't know that I've had PND, most probably won't consider I might have. I've heard the phrase,

"You look great, motherhood must suit you" a few times since my return to work. I smile. 

I look good as a product of my determination and my ability to admit I had a problem; it's the reason I feel good too.

After reflecting on my recovery, I can fully appreciate that It wasn't straight forward, however I have drawn up a list of 12 things that I feel helped me get better:

1) Going to Mind for Counselling. The help I've received through this unbelievably valuable charity has been second to none. It is the second time I've reached out to Mind for help with my mental health and both times, they have been a monumental part of my recovery. I really cannot thank Mind and of course, my counsellor enough. In a couple of weeks time, my sessions will come to an end and it saddens me, however, they have helped me build enough strength to cope without them and ultimately, that is what it's all about.

2) Growing, buying, preparing and eating healthy food and  losing 1st 9lb as a result.

3) Joining a supportive and friendly weight loss group.

4) Factoring in time to do things I enjoyed before baby H came along.

5) Turning off the TV

6) Walking

7) Spending time with other supportive, friendly new Mums.

8) Going to a weekly Baby Sensory class with my Daughter and learning new ways to play and interact with her.

9) Treating and rewarding myself: whether it be weight loss triumph rewards or getting my nails painted because I feel like it. Being kind to myself has really helped.

10) Giving less time and focus to the negative influences in my life.

11) Sleep.

12) Reading: self help books, magazines, trashy novels, comedies, fantasy novels. Anything.


I hope one day, my blog can empower just one person to take control of their PND, admitting that you need help is the biggest and best step you can ever take. Being a Mum was never supposed to be like anything, it just is how it is and that's ok. One day, you will feel well again.

Back to work

I've had my first full day at work and survived it.

It felt immensely strange as I entered the building, everyone else working away like yesterday, the day before that and the one before. Nothing changed. All as it was before.

All except the displays on the walls, the maternity cover person sitting at my desk, the new lady in reception, the location of all my folders and paperwork from a lifetime ago and Me. I'm not the same, because I have a baby now and she's on my mind.

My job used to be a big part of my life, but now it has to fit in with my family. After a week at work, I've discovered that I work harder when I'm there to make more time for my life at home. Conversations in the hall way have to be cut short, my emails are shorter, more to the point, I'm busier, more organised. Having a baby has made me quite brilliant at planning ahead, so time management is now a mastered skill!

The days I spend at work are so busy, that I barely have time to think about baby H and what she's up to for long periods of time. At first I felt guilty, but now I see it as healthy, my work gets my full attention and so does she when I'm home. My work has also given me a piece of me back that had been lost through becoming a mum, a passion I'd forgotten about. I feel quite liberated now that I'm back doing something that reminds me of me and more importantly, I feel like a good role model to my Daughter.

Closer than we think

My integration back into work has begun and baby H has started nursery.

I thought I'd be glad to be back in the routine of working life, being someone other than Mum and working part-time would give me the opportunity to still enjoy my days with baby H. Becoming Mum wasn't an easy transition for me, so going back to my working self was going to be easy-ish.

Leaving my baby at nursery whilst she cries for me has been one of the hardest trials of motherhood for me so far, finding the time to prepare my workload for my return has been almost impossible, the sadness I feel in the hours leading up to parting from Baby H has been immense.

My baby has felt it too, her cuddles last much longer and she squeezes tighter than before, she knows she's loved and she loves in return. It makes me realise that we have an incredible bond, one that may have been difficult to feel at first, but was always there and I know now that we were always closer than I'd thought.

Counselling sessions have been a huge help in easing the weight of returning to work, Zoe has empathised with my worries and concerns and I've felt really supported. There are only 3-4 sessions left with Zoe; I was worried that I'd be feeling a bit lost once they came to an end but I'm actually feeling quite strong. Going back to work is a huge hurdle that I'm working hard to overcome in our sessions, but with the support I've received already and my growing sense of confidence and strength, I think I'll be ok.

Telling the truth

A lot can be said for honesty. But being honest is hard, or rather finding the words to be so is. I've learned that it's difficult to articulate your thoughts and feelings effectively when in the throws of depression. For many of us, the talking needs to come after the storm passes.

I feel like my storm is beginning to die down, my journey of recovery hasn't been an easy start to finish. I've had to ride new storms when others have died down; feeling like it's over, then discovering it's not. If I could create a graph showing my PND journey, the highest point of depression would climax somewhere in the middle, when I'd started to recover. The beginning of my line would be a mediocre straight one to represent numbness and detachment. Dealing with feelings related to my depression came further down the line.

Now that things are clearer, the truth is also clear, especially now that I've dealt with the anger, disappointment and frustration that goes hand in hand with the truth. For me, telling the truth is easier now because I can see it, but I can also detach myself from it.

The truth of PND can be difficult to face, but giving it a voice can help too. This even reaches out to telling other people the truth, letting them know what is ok and what isn't. Creating boundaries that make you feel safe is perfectly reasonable in order to protect your mental well being. It's easy to forget your boundaries when you're lost and it's easy to forget to do what's right for you. Be honest with yourself and then be honest with everyone else. I realise the content of this entry could come across cryptic, but hopefully a fellow sufferer will be able to relate to my thoughts.

On a lighter note, the weight loss graph is still on the decline... a slow decline headed in the right direction! My current loss stands at 1st 4.5lb. I've never been this big before, but I've also never lost this much weight before. I guess it's an achievement! Maybe slow and steady wins the race afterall?

8 sessions in

This week marked my 8th session at Mind and my impending return to work became the topic of the session.

In many ways, I am looking forward to going back to work. Illness during pregnancy inhibited me from doing my job to the best of my ability and in some ways, disabled me from doing my job at all. For this reason, I feel like I've been on maternity leave forever! I'm really looking forward to sinking my teeth into my work again, achieving something other than being Mum for a few days a week, whilst proving that I'm still capable of doing my job well.

You may wonder why I haven't returned to work sooner if I've been missing it; I haven't been ready mentally to return. It's a fast paced, high pressure environment and I'm aware that some people felt let down by my inability to perform my duties well when I was pregnant. I felt like I'd let myself down for a good while and shortly after Baby H was born, my mind kept on wandering back to all those I'd 'let down' when I was pregnant. It's only very recently that I've made peace with myself and my pregnancy, I'm a hard working person the rest of the time, what happened was not my fault and in fact, I deserved support, I didn't deserve to feel the way I did. It's a sensitive subject for me, so returning to work too early could undo the work I've put into getting better.

I confessed to Zoe that, had I been better supported in the work place, I think I could have possibly battled through the pregnancy related illnesses and continued doing my job. For a long time, thoughts of this made me feel ashamed, "I should have just carried on doing my job regardless, I should have forced myself to do this and  that."

Zoe asked me if I felt ashamed now. My answer was 'no.' Having said my thoughts out loud, they suddenly didn't seem so bad anymore. Of course I couldn't perform my job properly, battling ongoing sickness, anaemia, and consecutive infections; lacking support and alienation was only going to magnify my illness and make it impossible to face my already high pressured work load. I felt sorry for me as I looked back and the more I think about it, the more I'm determined to not allow myself to feel that level of shame and inferiority again.

This week, I've learned that bad experiences will make you more sensitive to the things going on around you and subsequent criticism and negativity will automatically flick on bad feelings or defence mechanisms, but time and support are great healers.

Buy yourself a big present

Talking therapy has opened many half-open doors for me over the last couple of months. As a result, I've been swept into feeling many bewildering and intense emotions, even after the days and weeks where I've begun to feel much better.

Dealing with the anger, frustration and sadness of not protecting myself better or being kinder to myself during such a monumental time in my life has been really hard. I'm now striving to be kinder to myself- allowing breathing space, time to enjoy my interests and hobbies, letting myself achieve in roles other than my role of 'mum.'

I've treated myself to a proper break, which I shall be enjoying at a lovely spa in a couple of weeks time with a lady I thoroughly enjoy spending time with. We have treated ourselves to 4 treatments during our day, if I'm going to do this, well, I'm going to do it properly!


What I also would like to do is to buy myself a big present. Something tangible, something I can look at everyday and be reminded that I'm important too, that I've done ok during my first year as a Mum and here is a gift from me to me that says so. Sure, I've bought myself the odd magazine here and there, a candle, nail varnish, bar of chocolate, pairs of leggings, floaty tops since baby H was born. But I want a treat substantial enough to mark how far I've come and besides, some of my 'treats' perhaps fall under the category of 'necessity' anyway.

Money is tight. My maternity pay has come to an end and I'm perhaps about to do something a little frivolous, a bit foreign. I wouldn't think twice about buying necessary clothes for my daughter, I regularly treat her to books, toys, baby classes, swimming along with the compulsory baby buys throughout the year. I rarely feel guilty. It's time I made allowances for a present for me.

I haven't decided what my present will be yet, but it will be something lovely that reminds me how far I've come. If your income or savings (like in my case) will allow for a one off splurge to buy yourself a well deserved present- do it! Join me in this mission in being frivolous- buy yourself a lovely, big present. I think we deserve it.

The cyber-bullying world of Mumsnet

I really must be growing more assertive to write such a controversial post as this, but I feel it's necessary. Put your babies sleep problems, teething troubles, pooing disasters into Google search and much of the time, you will be greeted by a list of posts from Mumsnet users. Click on the threads and you'll find a lot of helpful advice and anecdotes you can relate to, written by other mums. However, you will also find replies from a bunch of critical women, waiting to take a pop at the next vulnerable, helpless mummy.

In the thick of PND, I'd relate back to the poster seeking help, then read the critical posts pointing out everything the poster was doing 'wrong' and use their comments as a stick for punishing myself. I must do better. These are 'supportive' mums, the experts, posting here to help other mums, they have the answers right? Wrong.

The day came that I published my own thread to ask for advice on managing finances once my maternity pay came to an end. I was met, no I was hounded with negativity pretty much straight away.  Firstly, one woman wanted to know why I hadnt returned to work yet if I was worrying about finances and also wanted to know why I was planning on returning to work part-time, surely it was a 'bad idea'. Being in a better place than I was 6months ago, I was able to step back and realise that this question was irrelevant and none of her business, I didn't respond.

I was then questioned as to why my partner and I weren't married by another poster who then went on to describe the awful foundations we had laid for our child having not have gotten married before she was born. I politely asked her to post elsewhere and explained I found such comments unhelpful. Soon came similar comments made by other posters, possibly made by the same poster in different guises as I've since discovered that it's possible to change your username and post as a different poster on the same thread.

Some women warned that I had put myself in a very vulnerable position by putting my career on hold whilst living happily un-married to the father of my child, fears that had never even crossed my mind. Women that knew very little about my circumstances or background to my relationship divulged all sorts of sinister conclusions on my personal life, which left me feeling lost, alone and scared. I cried myself to sleep that night as my partner lay next to me, oblivious to the frightening thoughts that were running through my head.

Mumsnet is supposed to be a supportive forum, a place to seek advice from other expert mummies. You will find women you can reach out to on Mumsnet, however you will also discover nasty women who will pick apart every last discrepancy in your problem or story; I've witnessed women pounce on posters' grammar, on the words they choose, on the way they personally choose to live their lives. I am very fortunate to be surrounded by many supportive mummies in the real world, but the cyber world is a platform for the competitive, bitter, nasty women who wait for vulnerable bait behind the comfort of a computer screen. As parents, we spend our time protecting our children from adversity, inequality and evil in the world; the media tells us about the dangers of cyber bullying and encourages us to teach our children to use the Internet respectively.

Go to Mumsnet and you will find grown-up cyber bullies prowling for vulnerable people like you. It saddens me that we can't rely on support from the networks with the expertise and knowledge to support us. It saddens me that some women are so sad about their own lives that they pick apart, scrutinise and trample on the lives and feelings of other women. So much for female solidarity.

My advice: Stay away from Mumsnet.

A healthy relapse?

There's always going to be good days and bad days, even when you feel like you're getting better, but I wasn't really prepared for a week of feeling down again. I'm a bit puzzled as to why I've had a big set back, perhaps delving into the past during counselling sessions has dug up some old feelings. I've had that same trapped feeling I felt in the very beginning, feeling criticised instead of taking comments with a pinch of salt, baby H's routine has felt monotonous, I feel fat and unattractive and I've been eating chocolate again!

Negative thoughts have been consuming over the last week and some days have felt like mountains to climb again.

I've needed a break.

It's easy to forget to prioritise your 'me time' in the midst of routine and to-do lists, but this week, I've been reminded that breaks ought to be given ultimate priority. I'm always a more creative, energetic mummy after some much needed 'me time.'

After eventually realising I needed to get away from the routine and stomping off to the car in tears, I found myself sitting on a car park, wondering where to go. Where did I used to go? I couldn't remember. I then drove back home even more upset.

I found my answer a day or two later when I got the opportunity to do some gardening. The quiet time in the sun, enjoying nature and achieving something other than 'being mum' was all that was required to lift my spirits. A break from the routine, not an expensive luxurious spa day or a make-over, just time to do normal stuff within the space of my own home.

My week has gladly improved over the last couple of days as I've been given the opportunity to enjoy some sunshine with my friends and their babies. Chatting to other mums really is great therapy.

I also had my session at Mind today and I reluctantly explained my set back to Zoe. She offered reassurance in an instant, it is apparently quite normal to have a set back half way through therapy and it is a sign that I'm actually getting better. I'd been so worried that I'd let her down and that all my hard work had gone to waste, her words offered me an immense amount of comfort. I think I could have had a slight relapse due to me needing a break and because of the emotional effects of exploring the past in recent weeks. But, that's ok.

I felt like Zoe and I had a good spring clean during today's session and I left feeling exhausted, in a good way, the sort of exhausted you feel after you've had a good clear out and you sit down with a nice brew and a chocolate biscuit. A good cry was my chocolate biscuit today, no chocolate in sight!

Product of environment

Session 7 allowed me to delve a little deeper into my past relationships with influential people such as family members and previous employers. It has become apparent that I often crumble in the face of authority; as a result of this, I often crumble in the faces of those I give authority to and shouldn't.

My current relationships have been largely impacted by this learned behaviour and it has affected my feelings towards myself as a mother. I've sometimes disregarded my instincts for the careless pieces of advice and criticism from others.

Every mother faces these challenges, but it's knowing that you- the mummy, knows best that's important. Picking apart my past relationships is really helping me understand why I gave authority and validity to the silly, careless comments of others in the beginning. Lack of belief in myself impacted on the way I felt about my ability to be a mother, feelings that had no reflection on my ability whatsoever.

I've learned that our fears, behaviours, likes and dislikes are, to some extent influenced by our environment. However, recognising it and focusing on change, looking at the facts, rather than invalid stories of the past can set us free. It's like an error in our programming and until we see the error, we can't fix it easily.

I left session 7 with a spring in my step, I am working hard at getting better, this was acknowledged by Zoe and  she congratulated me. She also told me I was 'cool' which is quite nice considering she knows so much about me.

Zoe is a wonderful counsellor and I feel really lucky to be working with her. I can't emphasise enough how life changing it can be to pick apart your fears and explore who you are with the guidance of a counsellor. Anyone struggling with mental health should give it a go, it's not for everyone I'm sure, but when it is, it really is life changing.

Exploring the past and a chocolate splurge

My session with Zoe this weekend has been a poignant one. Having only had 6 sessions, I'm already feeling stronger and more confident in myself, I'm even setting myself little challenges in situations where I can work on being assertive. I've spoken out twice this weekend in situations where I wouldn't usually, although my tone may have been a little passive-aggressive on one occasion. I guess new skills don't come easily at first.

I picked 3 relationships to explore in my genogram: one, a relative and two, previous work colleagues. I wanted to understand why I allowed these people to take control of my emotions, which subsequently contributed to bouts of sadness, anger or depression.

We discovered through looking at the layout of my genogram that I am still endeavouring to protect one of these people. I'd always thought that analysing drawings and diagrams to decipher the creator's emotions was nonsense, but Zoe was right. The big fluffy cloud around one of the names acted as protection from the words I surrounded them with and refraining from joining those words with lines and arrows to their name detached them from words I classed as 'negative.' Unlike the other two people I'd mind mapped on the page, I'd linked their words to their names with strong arrows, even using capital letters for the word 'BULLY.'

I've always considered myself a negative person, but Zoe pointed out that I often balance a negative with a positive and I don't even know I'm doing it! Sometimes, I'll cushion the negative with a 'but' or a pretty little cloud on a piece of paper. I learned this week that I'm not so bad after all, I give facts, people make me feel how they make me feel and that's it. I don't have to feel guilty for feeling it, or even saying it. It's also ok to speak out when someone speaks to you in a manner you don't like, unlike old me, who'd have not said anything, but mulled over it later on; I don't have to fear conflict, fear being put down or fear being shouted at! Because it's actually ok to not stand and take shit, you can stand up for yourself and still be a nice person.

That's a pretty monumental life lesson to learn in just 50 minutes and it's going to take a while for me to get my head around it. Zoe is really helping me get better emotionally and helping me change a lifetime of behaviours that have contributed to the way I feel about me, my life and the people in it.

Easter has taken me hostage this week, long before Good Friday too. Far too much chocolate has passed my lips and the diet has not only been ignored, but tipped on its head in return for a week of creamy, chocolatey gluttony. I've lost 1stone 1.5 lb so far and I live in fear for what has been put back on this week. Why can't I be addicted to salad?

Session 5

It had been 3 weeks since my last counselling session when I saw Zoe this week. I'd really missed our sessions and had found myself mentally listing the things I wanted to talk to her about inbetween them.

This week, we discussed how I was feeling about everything we've covered so far and whether or not I am finding the counselling sessions beneficial. I explained to Zoe that I'm feeling better in myself and I'm feeling like I'm beginning to prioritise myself and my needs. She asked me how I'd like our sessions to progress and I pointed out that I'd noticed patterns in my mental health since having PND. I have suffered with depression in the past and can't help but notice similar themes.

In light of this, next week we're going to be creating a genogram. After googling, having never heard of a genogram before, I've discovered it's a bit like a map of your past and present relationships; the idea is that you pinpoint the impact they've had on you, whilst looking for patterns that may indicate  reasons for your psychological state.

I'm looking forward to getting creative next week and looking at details of my life in black and white. I need to break this pattern for my own sanity and for my Daughter; she deserves a happy, content and secure Mummy. I'm determined to be a consistently positive presence in her life, hopefully once I've pinpointed my triggers, I'll be able to find a way of changing how I react to them. I'll let you know how it goes!

Finding your Instinct

Like many new mums, I've read the books, googled the symptoms, searched for magic and miraculous ways to make my baby sleep and bought the magazines. They all deliver a similar message: trust your instincts as a Mum, but don't do this, don't do that and almost certainly never put your child to bed after 8pm. All this supportive, undermining advice has one thing in common- it makes us numb to our instincts as mothers.

"Trust your instincts"- I hadn't a clue where to find mine.

Over time, I have started to discover that my own methods work better than the ones in the books, those methods are conditional and variable on your baby and what your baby needs. Of course, it's taken months for me to discover this, but as I do, my confidence in my ability as a mother grows with it.

Here are some examples of useless advice from my own experience:

1) If you don't put your baby down in their cot whilst they're awake from 6 weeks of age, they may struggle to ever self settle.
Baby H has reflux and still doesn't go down in her cot awake as she needs to be kept upright for a while after feeding. However, she does go down in her cot awake during the daytime for naps; she niggles a little, but she has proved that she can infact self settle and she didn't learn this skill until she was more than 4 months old.

2) Put your baby down for a nap at the same time everyday.
Ridiculous. Baby H tends to follow patterns rather than times, as she can't actually tell the time yet. She doesn't wake at precisely the same time everyday, so the time she's due for a nap varies. It also depends on how much energy she's burned during the morning and how much porridge she's eaten for breakfast.

3) BLW will ensure you don't raise a fussy eater and all babies are ready for BLW at 6 months.
Believe this and feel stressed. Baby H was given baby porridge from 5 months due to suspected reflux; it really helped keep her morning feed down and enabled us to wean her gradually.
Once Baby H was 6 months old, we began giving her finger foods, but they would only startle her gag reflex and she was, on several occasions, put over my knee in a mad attempt to remove whatever she'd gotten stuck in her throat caused by her gagging in a panic. After that, we stuck to mashed foods and increased textures and consistencies slowly. This has been much less stressful for all involved and Baby H is trying new flavours with zest; she really enjoys her food and is able to consume more through being primarily spoon fed than through fingers foods.
That aside, many of my friends have been able to use BLW with their babies and had no problems. Every baby's needs are different.

4) If they won't go to sleep in their cot, let them cry it out.
I tried this on the advice of a health visitor and regretted following it. After over an hour of Baby H screaming, me crying and kicking over a chair in frustration, it resulted in no nap, an upset mum and baby and the consumption of an entire box of chocolates- a crazed attempt to add a highlight to the day.
When I came to the decision that after 20 minutes of screaming, I would end our napping mission and try again once we were calm again, I was able to get my baby to eventually nap. It can take a while at times, but more often than not, the first 20 minutes is successful. There is no way she's going to nap once she's worked herself up into a state.

5) Don't put your baby down to sleep when they're too awake or too sleepy. You have to get the timing exactly right.
Rubbish. Baby H needs to be exhausted before she'll go down for a nap. The more tired, the better.

You'll find advice like this in the same books that advise you to trust your instincts, which left me feeling confused as a new mum, but worst of all- I felt like a failure because all this good advice didn't seem to be working. I've now learned to listen to my baby, watch her patterns and follow them; that way I will always be able to work out if something isn't quite right.




Sleep advice is probably the worst advice in my opinion; it's what we all miss, need and want. I know when I can leave my baby to moan herself to sleep and when to tend to her screams caused by her griping tummy or sore gums. I don't need a book to tell me what to do.

Every situation, like every baby, is different. Trusting my instincts has given me confidence, because afterall, I know my own baby best.

Noise be gone!

The sound of nothing. It used to make me nervous, not now. Every mum needs a break and it took me a while to realise that it's actually ok to have one!

 Last night I went out alone, after 6pm to buy myself some new shoes whilst my partner put Baby H to bed. 12 months ago, the first thing I would have done after climbing into the car is switch on the radio- not now. I can't express how relaxing it was to take a journey with no car seat to buckle in, no pushchair to squeeze tactfully into the boot, but best of all, no noise. I love music, but the sound of no sound at all has become a loved and rare occurance.

When I stepped into the shoe store however, I was greeted by this rancid, loud music- the sort I'd have played in my car 12 months ago! I've been into the same store more times than I care to remember and always enjoyed the upbeat vibe and loud music. I can honestly say, the experience last night was vile. In my head, I was pleading with them to turn it down, or even better... turn the bloody thing off! I could feel myself growing more and more irritable as I browsed the aisles.

My shopping trip was successful, I have new shoes, one size larger than my pre-pregnancy shoes thanks to my post pregnancy fat feet! But I have to say, the best part of my shopping trip was the time I spent in the car... no noise and time to hear myself think!

I know other Mums do the same- we put our babies down for a nap during the day time with every intention of mopping the floor or folding the dry washing that's been lingering in the tumble dryer for 24 hours. However, most Mums I know don't.
We use nap times to our own advantage, to sit and suck up the quiet time, we relish it.
Procrastination is under valued; we literally sit down in the quiet and go "aaah."

Sleep

Never again will I underestimate the power of a good sleep.

I need 7-8 hours of sleep most nights in order to function; when I was pregnant, it was the prospect of losing so much sleep which feared me the most, without it I would be an absolute dragon to live with. I was right to be scared!

When my waters broke at 1am on the Sunday morning, it was another 40 hours before was able to sleep. Following this broken and restless sleep, I didn't get another full night of sleep for 4 months. My labour had been a good one, but after little sleep, I was flaking right from the starting line, like the many women who suffer long, tiresome labours.

Lack of sleep had weird and wonderful side effects: feeling like I was on a rocky boat, coupled with dizziness, headaches and sickness, massive mood swings, forgetfulness, weakness (two nights on the trot I struggled to hold my baby to feed her), lethargy and of course exhaustion. I'm sure plenty of people are likely to become depressed working under such conditions for 24 hours  a day, 7 days a week.

Baby H began sleeping through consistently at 4.5months and I felt myself evolving slowly into my old self. I finally found my sense of humour, I was less irritable and more motivated during the day time. Sleep has a lot to answer for!

Of course, we still have our rough nights, but they are rare and the numbing feeling of daily life brought about by little sleep is losing familiarity. I'm beginning to take things in again, I'm enjoying life with the energy I used to have before sleep deprivation took me prisoner, I can even remember what I opened the fridge for these days! I believe however, that I am still recovering from 4 months of sleep deprivation, yet so many families suffer it much longer than we have, I ought to be thankful and believe me, I am.

Session 4 and feeling proud

The first time I met Zoe, I told her how vulnerable I'd felt when I was pregnant and how it had impacted on the way I relate to others. I felt I'd become mute, a shadow of myself, forgetting my own feelings to fulfil the egos and desires of other people.

I told her that I needed counselling to fix this, for my Daughter's sake. I didn't want her to see me like this and I certainly didn't want her to become it. I wanted to become more assertive, I needed to stop pleasing everyone else.

As I talked during that first session, Zoe pointed out several occasions where I had been assertive in recent months. She told me there was no need to 'fix' anything, I just needed to find my voice again, which was still there somewhere.

This week, as an outcome of feeling utterly disappointed with an aspect of my life, I made a decision. One that is to benefit me primarily, but one that will no doubt  benefit my Daughter. I've had to be assertive to make it work and I have to be assertive to carry it forward. Zoe told me she was proud of me, I'm finally beginning to see me as important and that's progress!

My friend, K, who also had a counselling session joined me at the quirky cafè again afterwards. I broke my diet again and ate a chicken and mozzarella panini and the home made victoria sponge was also too much to resist! I guess I was celebrating; feeling like I'm becoming Me again is liberating.

What makes you bad makes you better

How many of us ever experienced love at first sight anyway?

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was sure my girl was going to be a boy. During labour I even uttered the words "definitely a boy" in between long sucks in of gas + air, so when I finally pushed her out and my partner declared, "it's a girl" I was in shock.

Out she came, calmly, not crying, content with the world already and they laid her on me, but I couldn't see her face, nor could I lift her to see her properly. I remember her craning her neck up to see me and me looking away as I spoke casually to the midwife stitching me up. She was here, my baby, a stranger. And she had entered the world so at ease, she looked at me in awe and I didn't have a clue. I knew nothing about babies, I'd never even changed a nappy. I felt I'd let her down before I'd even begun.

We were strangers. I didn't know her enough to love her yet.

I struggled to tend to her needs at first, but it soon came. My friend once told me that "love is an action, not a feeling" and for a while, the love I had for my girl was through action. Does this mean I loved her any less than those women who feel that overwhelming sense of love straight away? No.

It was always there, just smothered by fear and a chemical imbalance we call Depression.

As I get better slowly, it's my Daughter that is getting me there, our unique bond, my unwavering love for her. She makes me laugh everyday as she communicates with me through her facial expressions, her actions. I fall in love with her everyday.

she will never feel the fear and uncertainty I felt for her when she was born, but she will always feel my love. It's this remarkable love that helps me heal.

Daddy

Watching my partner grow into the role of fatherhood has been somewhat special. I look back at those early days and remember my fear, anxiety and uncertainty, I remember the times I told him off, the times he held and rocked her. But I was so absorbed into the world of motherhood that I never saw his fears, anxieties and uncertainties.

 I saw the way he held her so delicately at first, love and awe in his eyes, to the way he plays with her now, lifting her high into the air and back down again, his eyes full of laughter. I remember the times he took over when it got tough, the chops he made for dinner without me asking him, the flowers in the window and the pride in his smile.

He must have been scared too, but he plodded on with a shaky optimism; no father wants to upset a mother with PND. He knew only too well how easily I could break, how uncertain I'd become about our lives as a family, but he plodded on.

There are times he doesn't understand. Like a lioness, I protect our baby from intruders, from threat. He will never know the heights of such an intense feeling, but he strives to accept it and accept me, even when he can't see the threat.

He loves me for being her Mum, he loves the way I love her, he loves me when I'm low. Only now, as my black cloud begins to slightly break away, leaving tiny sun beams to stretch out warming arms, do I see him clearly. My partner, still here, still loving me, lifting our child up, playfully and confidently with big eyes full of wonder.

Session 3

Today has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster.

I talked to Zoe about the way I feel when I'm around different people; my supportive Mummy network helps keep me safe as do other friends and family, but of course there are those that have a negative impact on the way I feel. Not all mummies are supportive of other mums, some are competitive, but these Mums have their own issues, as Zoe and I discussed today. It's about keeping ourselves safe.

How can you protect your own well-being if you're in negative company? A good way is to limit contact, cut conversations short but smile and be polite, see that the other person must have struggles of their own and accept their comments as a product of their issues- not yours. I don't feel strong enough to face and accept negative comments right now, so I know the best way to keep myself safe is through limiting contact with people that make me feel rubbish. Zoe said that I'm important too, so I don't have to people please; I should protect me first. I thought this was really good advice: only keep people that make you feel good close. 

I read my letter and as predicted, I left Mind feeling wobbly. We have more work to do on the letter next week, but it's left me feeling sad. A tough pregnancy and being surrounded by negativity left me quite vulnerable; the loneliness I felt when I was pregnant became all to apparent when I read out my letter. I wanted to reach out to pregnant me and hug her, be there for her, then when that feeling faded, I felt angry for her, I wanted to defend her, fight for her. 7 hours later, the anger remains.

Today I've learned that part of the recovery process is releasing emotions and making peace with them. This can send us back into depths of anguish once again, but to deal with emotions, firstly you have to face them. I hope I get to bury some of these emotions next week, I need to make peace with the past. 

Some people believe that it's bad to return to the past and I think they're right in many ways. I also think that to look at and evaluate what's been and gone gives us the opportunity to change how we live in the future, whilst it helps us understand the present. To look at the past can be really valuable if it's done positively.

The best advice from today's session however is to remember that you are important too, so surround yourself with people who make you feel it.

A different kind of sunshine

Spring is on the way. The temperature read 9 degrees in my car today and the sun felt warm and appeared less dazzling than the sun in Winter. Knowing that the nights are getting lighter and days longer brings a sense of relief; the cold, dark days and nights only add to my dull mood.

This week has been a good week. Today and yesterday I spent time with other mummies who have been at the hands of PND. I look to these women for support, comfort and advice; I enjoy their company massively and talking about our highs and lows makes us feel... normal.

Today, a very good Mummy friend of mine made lunch for 3 of us at her house; it was lovely. Sometimes the thought of having to pack the changing bag and planning to leave the house at precisely the right time to coincide with a nap or to avoid a feed time proves too much. But once I'm out of the house and in my support circle of fantastic, lovely mummies, there's nowhere else I'd rather be.

Summer will soon be here and I can feel my mood beginning to lift as the sun warms and the world around me becomes more colourful. My mummy friends will be feeling it too, and having built friendships during the lowest times of our lives, I get to look forward to enjoying the warmer, happier times with them.

Session 2 followed by tea for 2

'Exhausting' would be the best way to describe my session at Mind this week. It was different in that I wasn't filling Zoe in on the details of my reason for being there, but exploring my mindset and my feelings.

Like my first session, I left feeling lighter and better about myself afterwards; I think that learning to forgive yourself for feeling the way you feel is a big part of the 'getting better' process.

Zoe has given me homework. This week I have to write a letter to someone I care about, sharing my feelings. I have finished the letter, which is 8 pages long and now sits on my bedside table in preparation for Session 3. I found myself getting emotional during the parts of the letter where I found myself apologising; I wonder which parts of the letter will make me feel emotional when I read it out to Zoe? I know I will be exhausted after the next session.

An extra highlight to my counselling sessions is bumping into an old friend who just happens to have counselling on the same day as me, at the same time. This week, we went for a cup of tea at a little family run cafè afterwards. It hasn't been open long: quirky, modern, embracing strange teas and unique teapots. My cherry green tea was served in one made purely of glass, whilst K opted for a Chai tea in a traditional mug. 

The company was lovely. We didn't say much, both drained after our sessions, but it was perfect. K also treated me to a brownie, strictly off limits, but apt after a morning of emotional turmoil!

Next week, we're going to meet in the waiting room beforehand so that we can have a proper catch up, then we'll go our separate ways to wind down after our sessions. I don't think I'll be good company after reading out my letter. Afterwards, I plan on ripping it up into little pieces and throwing it away, a ritual I feel will be a big part of 'letting go' of certain feelings. I hope it works!

Lunch... a past time?

Weaning is in full swing in our house. Baby H is having 3 meals a day (when she's in the mood) along with her usual 5 milk feeds. They say that she'll drop a feed eventually and I hope it's soon!

It's hectic: once I've finished one task, it's on to another and H only has 20 minute naps throughout the day, which means I'm also endeavouring to entertain her much of the time.

I haven't eaten a proper lunch all week! Chaos aside, I'm enjoying being kept busy- it gives me a greater sense of purpose. Daytime TV has long escaped intrigue and it's become a bore, so this new busy me is good!

H's small choking incident is a distant memory and I'm now beginning to enjoy watching her experiment with new flavours and textures. It's a new way of bonding with my girl as we share carrot and cucumber sticks, offering me her chewed up leftovers! It's nice.

Milestones bring with them challenges but also, moments of joy and I'm finding remedy in that. As for lunch, so long for now!

Finding Out

As a new mum, I found it difficult to comprehend my feelings. They say that baby blues are normal, whilst the continuation of anxiety and feelings of hopelessness are not normal beyond around 4 weeks post-partum. That aside,  PND is actually very common. I didn't know what I was feeling when I was feeling it because I was so tired and busy; I had no time to reflect on feelings, and besides they were insignificant with a newborn to take care care of.

 I didn't notice my extreme anxiety over cleanliness, my disinterest in the world around me, I barely noticed how long I'd been staring out of the window- lost. I didn't take account of being more than tired, of feeling hopeless and miserable that this was now my life, the feeling of being suffocated by the influx of well meaning visitors and the feeling that she belonged to someone else. She didn't look like me.
"Is she mine?"
 The negative thought paths I'd go down, thinking about work, how I'd let everyone down, my interfering mother-in-law. Drained in her company. Drained full stop.

At 6 weeks post-partum, my low feelings and mood were picked up by a Health Visitor and I received a phone call from my GP the following day, asking to see me. I was diagnosed with PND that day.

PND shows itself in many guises, mine had little to do with the way I'd bonded with my daughter, although it played a minor part in the black cloud that fogged my ability to be happy. The deeper I fell into my lonely hole, the more I ate, food was a comfort for depression and for colic. My anger, irritability, guilt and fear ripened; my partner took the brunt well, whilst also hiding away from what needed to be addressed. I shouted, blamed him, apologised, cried then did it all over again.


On being diagnosed, I was offered but didn't want to take anti-depressants as they hadn't agreed with me during a previous bout of depression 5 years ago. I was therefore referred to an organisation for women with PND. A Mental Health Nurse who I'll refer to as 'MN', talked things through with me and offered practical solutions for issues that made me angry, anxious or upset.

After following some of her advice, I realised that I just needed someone to acknowledge my feelings and tell me it was ok to feel the way I did. MN was well meaning, but wanted to up-route me from my negative feelings and thought processes, long before I was ready to be up-routed. I was happy in my miserable rut and in some ways, I still am.

I then considered seeking help from mental health charity Mind, as I did 5 years ago. On the day of calling them, I was given a consultation with a counsellor who explained to me that Mental Health Nurses and counsellors work in different ways, if MN's way wasn't working, then perhaps counselling was the way forward. I was subsequently added to the 9 week waiting list.

On February 14th 2015, I met my counsellor, Zoe.
On the way to my first appointment, I was worried about how I'd begin, what would I say to her?
It was difficult at first then once I began, it flowed.

Zoe listened and listened, confirmed what I'd said at times to help me make sense of my thinking. I wanted to squeeze in everything during that session, but it was impossible, I gave her snippets of information, coupled with explanations of my feelings. She didn't offer practical advice, but at the end told me that what I'd been through had been "really, really shitty" and that it was no wonder I was feeling the way I was. This clarification and acceptance of my feelings was a positive outcome for me and one I know will be a part of my recovery.

I don't want to document the intensity of my negative thoughts and feelings during the darkest days of PND, but my journey to getting better and I now think that part of that journey begins at Mind. I want to document everything that makes me feel good or happy, then hopefully, my blog will inspire other women to seek help and get better too.