How many of us ever experienced love at first sight anyway?
Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was sure my girl was going to be a boy. During labour I even uttered the words "definitely a boy" in between long sucks in of gas + air, so when I finally pushed her out and my partner declared, "it's a girl" I was in shock.
Out she came, calmly, not crying, content with the world already and they laid her on me, but I couldn't see her face, nor could I lift her to see her properly. I remember her craning her neck up to see me and me looking away as I spoke casually to the midwife stitching me up. She was here, my baby, a stranger. And she had entered the world so at ease, she looked at me in awe and I didn't have a clue. I knew nothing about babies, I'd never even changed a nappy. I felt I'd let her down before I'd even begun.
We were strangers. I didn't know her enough to love her yet.
I struggled to tend to her needs at first, but it soon came. My friend once told me that "love is an action, not a feeling" and for a while, the love I had for my girl was through action. Does this mean I loved her any less than those women who feel that overwhelming sense of love straight away? No.
It was always there, just smothered by fear and a chemical imbalance we call Depression.
As I get better slowly, it's my Daughter that is getting me there, our unique bond, my unwavering love for her. She makes me laugh everyday as she communicates with me through her facial expressions, her actions. I fall in love with her everyday.
she will never feel the fear and uncertainty I felt for her when she was born, but she will always feel my love. It's this remarkable love that helps me heal.
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