Saturday was an emotional day.
I said goodbye to my counsellor, Zoe, who has been my conifidant, my guru, my lifeline for the last 7 months. During our session, she asked me how I felt about our sessions drawing to an end and I cried; she asked if they were sad or happy tears and I replied that they were both.
I found it difficult to utter the words "I'll miss you" but Zoe managed to decipher them for herself, which made it easier.
The great thing about our final session was the acknowledgement that I may have to return for treatment one day, but that it's ok to do so. I know that Mind's doors are always open should I need them and the shame of having to walk through them again is non-existent, in fact I'll miss walking through those doors. The building for me, represents safety and honesty. The ability to metaphorically strip myself of the expectations of society and of the expectations I place on myself, then walk into the building as Me is a feeling that liberated me from the very start. No mask. No forced smiles. Just Me. I'll miss that pokey little waiting room. I'll miss Saturdays.
Missing Mind is ok, because I'll miss them like an old friend, the sort you part with for a while then pick up with exactly where you left off after some time has passed. I won't miss them like a crutch, because I don't need them anymore, officially, I don't need them.
Before leaving, I was given my last mental health assessment and although it indicated a slight anxiety problem, one of which I feel is actually a part of Me, my depression score was 4. This falls under the category of "no treatment required."
How good is that?
I'm officially PND free.
Thursday 30 July 2015
Tuesday 7 July 2015
Goodbye PND
For me, there will never be an end to the recovery, as I'm forever learning and finding new ways to cope with the role of being a Mum. However, it is an end to those dark, frightening, uncertain days. I achieved my goal, which was ultimately, to feel well again.
Today, my partner told me that I seem 'empowered' and he was right. I feel it.nEmpowered by my ability to admit that I had a problem, by my determination to get better, by my strength. It isn't the getting better which empowers us, but our strength to admit that things aren't ok, to seek help and change things. PND may debilitate us for a short time, but the road to recovery is an empowering one and I'm proud of myself for seeking help; it was brave, not weak.
I've changed as a person; the old me didn't have the confidence or insight that I have today. I'm wiser, more resilient, better equipped. Depression could strike me again, but I know the warning signs and I'm not afraid to deal with it again should I need to. When I was diagnosed with PND, I felt angry with myself, after battling depression 5 years previously, I was never supposed to have to fight the battle again. I was supposed to be cured. I've since lowered my expectations!
I don't expect to not to have to face elements of anxiety or depression in the near future either, parts of my condition will remain I'm sure. But having that insight, the ability to step back and see myself objectively, I'll hopefully be able to deal with anything I need to. It can be difficult to listen to yourself when you're busy, easy to not take notice, but it's important to reflect from time to time. People who don't reflect are more reluctant to change. Change is how we adjust to the world around us.
It's a shame that I hide behind this blog, many people who read this don't know my name, nor will they see my face. Stigma aside, few want to openly talk about their depression. My work colleagues don't know that I've had PND, most probably won't consider I might have. I've heard the phrase,
"You look great, motherhood must suit you" a few times since my return to work. I smile.
I look good as a product of my determination and my ability to admit I had a problem; it's the reason I feel good too.
After reflecting on my recovery, I can fully appreciate that It wasn't straight forward, however I have drawn up a list of 12 things that I feel helped me get better:
1) Going to Mind for Counselling. The help I've received through this unbelievably valuable charity has been second to none. It is the second time I've reached out to Mind for help with my mental health and both times, they have been a monumental part of my recovery. I really cannot thank Mind and of course, my counsellor enough. In a couple of weeks time, my sessions will come to an end and it saddens me, however, they have helped me build enough strength to cope without them and ultimately, that is what it's all about.
2) Growing, buying, preparing and eating healthy food and losing 1st 9lb as a result.
3) Joining a supportive and friendly weight loss group.
4) Factoring in time to do things I enjoyed before baby H came along.
5) Turning off the TV
6) Walking
7) Spending time with other supportive, friendly new Mums.
8) Going to a weekly Baby Sensory class with my Daughter and learning new ways to play and interact with her.
9) Treating and rewarding myself: whether it be weight loss triumph rewards or getting my nails painted because I feel like it. Being kind to myself has really helped.
10) Giving less time and focus to the negative influences in my life.
11) Sleep.
12) Reading: self help books, magazines, trashy novels, comedies, fantasy novels. Anything.
I hope one day, my blog can empower just one person to take control of their PND, admitting that you need help is the biggest and best step you can ever take. Being a Mum was never supposed to be like anything, it just is how it is and that's ok. One day, you will feel well again.
After reflecting on my recovery, I can fully appreciate that It wasn't straight forward, however I have drawn up a list of 12 things that I feel helped me get better:
1) Going to Mind for Counselling. The help I've received through this unbelievably valuable charity has been second to none. It is the second time I've reached out to Mind for help with my mental health and both times, they have been a monumental part of my recovery. I really cannot thank Mind and of course, my counsellor enough. In a couple of weeks time, my sessions will come to an end and it saddens me, however, they have helped me build enough strength to cope without them and ultimately, that is what it's all about.
2) Growing, buying, preparing and eating healthy food and losing 1st 9lb as a result.
3) Joining a supportive and friendly weight loss group.
4) Factoring in time to do things I enjoyed before baby H came along.
5) Turning off the TV
6) Walking
7) Spending time with other supportive, friendly new Mums.
8) Going to a weekly Baby Sensory class with my Daughter and learning new ways to play and interact with her.
9) Treating and rewarding myself: whether it be weight loss triumph rewards or getting my nails painted because I feel like it. Being kind to myself has really helped.
10) Giving less time and focus to the negative influences in my life.
11) Sleep.
12) Reading: self help books, magazines, trashy novels, comedies, fantasy novels. Anything.
I hope one day, my blog can empower just one person to take control of their PND, admitting that you need help is the biggest and best step you can ever take. Being a Mum was never supposed to be like anything, it just is how it is and that's ok. One day, you will feel well again.
Back to work
I've had my first full day at work and survived it.
It felt immensely strange as I entered the building, everyone else working away like yesterday, the day before that and the one before. Nothing changed. All as it was before.
All except the displays on the walls, the maternity cover person sitting at my desk, the new lady in reception, the location of all my folders and paperwork from a lifetime ago and Me. I'm not the same, because I have a baby now and she's on my mind.
My job used to be a big part of my life, but now it has to fit in with my family. After a week at work, I've discovered that I work harder when I'm there to make more time for my life at home. Conversations in the hall way have to be cut short, my emails are shorter, more to the point, I'm busier, more organised. Having a baby has made me quite brilliant at planning ahead, so time management is now a mastered skill!
The days I spend at work are so busy, that I barely have time to think about baby H and what she's up to for long periods of time. At first I felt guilty, but now I see it as healthy, my work gets my full attention and so does she when I'm home. My work has also given me a piece of me back that had been lost through becoming a mum, a passion I'd forgotten about. I feel quite liberated now that I'm back doing something that reminds me of me and more importantly, I feel like a good role model to my Daughter.
It felt immensely strange as I entered the building, everyone else working away like yesterday, the day before that and the one before. Nothing changed. All as it was before.
All except the displays on the walls, the maternity cover person sitting at my desk, the new lady in reception, the location of all my folders and paperwork from a lifetime ago and Me. I'm not the same, because I have a baby now and she's on my mind.
My job used to be a big part of my life, but now it has to fit in with my family. After a week at work, I've discovered that I work harder when I'm there to make more time for my life at home. Conversations in the hall way have to be cut short, my emails are shorter, more to the point, I'm busier, more organised. Having a baby has made me quite brilliant at planning ahead, so time management is now a mastered skill!
The days I spend at work are so busy, that I barely have time to think about baby H and what she's up to for long periods of time. At first I felt guilty, but now I see it as healthy, my work gets my full attention and so does she when I'm home. My work has also given me a piece of me back that had been lost through becoming a mum, a passion I'd forgotten about. I feel quite liberated now that I'm back doing something that reminds me of me and more importantly, I feel like a good role model to my Daughter.
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