There's always going to be good days and bad days, even when you feel like you're getting better, but I wasn't really prepared for a week of feeling down again. I'm a bit puzzled as to why I've had a big set back, perhaps delving into the past during counselling sessions has dug up some old feelings. I've had that same trapped feeling I felt in the very beginning, feeling criticised instead of taking comments with a pinch of salt, baby H's routine has felt monotonous, I feel fat and unattractive and I've been eating chocolate again!
Negative thoughts have been consuming over the last week and some days have felt like mountains to climb again.
I've needed a break.
It's easy to forget to prioritise your 'me time' in the midst of routine and to-do lists, but this week, I've been reminded that breaks ought to be given ultimate priority. I'm always a more creative, energetic mummy after some much needed 'me time.'
After eventually realising I needed to get away from the routine and stomping off to the car in tears, I found myself sitting on a car park, wondering where to go. Where did I used to go? I couldn't remember. I then drove back home even more upset.
I found my answer a day or two later when I got the opportunity to do some gardening. The quiet time in the sun, enjoying nature and achieving something other than 'being mum' was all that was required to lift my spirits. A break from the routine, not an expensive luxurious spa day or a make-over, just time to do normal stuff within the space of my own home.
My week has gladly improved over the last couple of days as I've been given the opportunity to enjoy some sunshine with my friends and their babies. Chatting to other mums really is great therapy.
I also had my session at Mind today and I reluctantly explained my set back to Zoe. She offered reassurance in an instant, it is apparently quite normal to have a set back half way through therapy and it is a sign that I'm actually getting better. I'd been so worried that I'd let her down and that all my hard work had gone to waste, her words offered me an immense amount of comfort. I think I could have had a slight relapse due to me needing a break and because of the emotional effects of exploring the past in recent weeks. But, that's ok.
I felt like Zoe and I had a good spring clean during today's session and I left feeling exhausted, in a good way, the sort of exhausted you feel after you've had a good clear out and you sit down with a nice brew and a chocolate biscuit. A good cry was my chocolate biscuit today, no chocolate in sight!
Saturday 25 April 2015
Wednesday 15 April 2015
Product of environment
Session 7 allowed me to delve a little deeper into my past relationships with influential people such as family members and previous employers. It has become apparent that I often crumble in the face of authority; as a result of this, I often crumble in the faces of those I give authority to and shouldn't.
My current relationships have been largely impacted by this learned behaviour and it has affected my feelings towards myself as a mother. I've sometimes disregarded my instincts for the careless pieces of advice and criticism from others.
Every mother faces these challenges, but it's knowing that you- the mummy, knows best that's important. Picking apart my past relationships is really helping me understand why I gave authority and validity to the silly, careless comments of others in the beginning. Lack of belief in myself impacted on the way I felt about my ability to be a mother, feelings that had no reflection on my ability whatsoever.
I've learned that our fears, behaviours, likes and dislikes are, to some extent influenced by our environment. However, recognising it and focusing on change, looking at the facts, rather than invalid stories of the past can set us free. It's like an error in our programming and until we see the error, we can't fix it easily.
I left session 7 with a spring in my step, I am working hard at getting better, this was acknowledged by Zoe and she congratulated me. She also told me I was 'cool' which is quite nice considering she knows so much about me.
Zoe is a wonderful counsellor and I feel really lucky to be working with her. I can't emphasise enough how life changing it can be to pick apart your fears and explore who you are with the guidance of a counsellor. Anyone struggling with mental health should give it a go, it's not for everyone I'm sure, but when it is, it really is life changing.
My current relationships have been largely impacted by this learned behaviour and it has affected my feelings towards myself as a mother. I've sometimes disregarded my instincts for the careless pieces of advice and criticism from others.
Every mother faces these challenges, but it's knowing that you- the mummy, knows best that's important. Picking apart my past relationships is really helping me understand why I gave authority and validity to the silly, careless comments of others in the beginning. Lack of belief in myself impacted on the way I felt about my ability to be a mother, feelings that had no reflection on my ability whatsoever.
I've learned that our fears, behaviours, likes and dislikes are, to some extent influenced by our environment. However, recognising it and focusing on change, looking at the facts, rather than invalid stories of the past can set us free. It's like an error in our programming and until we see the error, we can't fix it easily.
I left session 7 with a spring in my step, I am working hard at getting better, this was acknowledged by Zoe and she congratulated me. She also told me I was 'cool' which is quite nice considering she knows so much about me.
Zoe is a wonderful counsellor and I feel really lucky to be working with her. I can't emphasise enough how life changing it can be to pick apart your fears and explore who you are with the guidance of a counsellor. Anyone struggling with mental health should give it a go, it's not for everyone I'm sure, but when it is, it really is life changing.
Sunday 5 April 2015
Exploring the past and a chocolate splurge
My session with Zoe this weekend has been a poignant one. Having only had 6 sessions, I'm already feeling stronger and more confident in myself, I'm even setting myself little challenges in situations where I can work on being assertive. I've spoken out twice this weekend in situations where I wouldn't usually, although my tone may have been a little passive-aggressive on one occasion. I guess new skills don't come easily at first.
I picked 3 relationships to explore in my genogram: one, a relative and two, previous work colleagues. I wanted to understand why I allowed these people to take control of my emotions, which subsequently contributed to bouts of sadness, anger or depression.
We discovered through looking at the layout of my genogram that I am still endeavouring to protect one of these people. I'd always thought that analysing drawings and diagrams to decipher the creator's emotions was nonsense, but Zoe was right. The big fluffy cloud around one of the names acted as protection from the words I surrounded them with and refraining from joining those words with lines and arrows to their name detached them from words I classed as 'negative.' Unlike the other two people I'd mind mapped on the page, I'd linked their words to their names with strong arrows, even using capital letters for the word 'BULLY.'
I've always considered myself a negative person, but Zoe pointed out that I often balance a negative with a positive and I don't even know I'm doing it! Sometimes, I'll cushion the negative with a 'but' or a pretty little cloud on a piece of paper. I learned this week that I'm not so bad after all, I give facts, people make me feel how they make me feel and that's it. I don't have to feel guilty for feeling it, or even saying it. It's also ok to speak out when someone speaks to you in a manner you don't like, unlike old me, who'd have not said anything, but mulled over it later on; I don't have to fear conflict, fear being put down or fear being shouted at! Because it's actually ok to not stand and take shit, you can stand up for yourself and still be a nice person.
That's a pretty monumental life lesson to learn in just 50 minutes and it's going to take a while for me to get my head around it. Zoe is really helping me get better emotionally and helping me change a lifetime of behaviours that have contributed to the way I feel about me, my life and the people in it.
Easter has taken me hostage this week, long before Good Friday too. Far too much chocolate has passed my lips and the diet has not only been ignored, but tipped on its head in return for a week of creamy, chocolatey gluttony. I've lost 1stone 1.5 lb so far and I live in fear for what has been put back on this week. Why can't I be addicted to salad?
I picked 3 relationships to explore in my genogram: one, a relative and two, previous work colleagues. I wanted to understand why I allowed these people to take control of my emotions, which subsequently contributed to bouts of sadness, anger or depression.
We discovered through looking at the layout of my genogram that I am still endeavouring to protect one of these people. I'd always thought that analysing drawings and diagrams to decipher the creator's emotions was nonsense, but Zoe was right. The big fluffy cloud around one of the names acted as protection from the words I surrounded them with and refraining from joining those words with lines and arrows to their name detached them from words I classed as 'negative.' Unlike the other two people I'd mind mapped on the page, I'd linked their words to their names with strong arrows, even using capital letters for the word 'BULLY.'
I've always considered myself a negative person, but Zoe pointed out that I often balance a negative with a positive and I don't even know I'm doing it! Sometimes, I'll cushion the negative with a 'but' or a pretty little cloud on a piece of paper. I learned this week that I'm not so bad after all, I give facts, people make me feel how they make me feel and that's it. I don't have to feel guilty for feeling it, or even saying it. It's also ok to speak out when someone speaks to you in a manner you don't like, unlike old me, who'd have not said anything, but mulled over it later on; I don't have to fear conflict, fear being put down or fear being shouted at! Because it's actually ok to not stand and take shit, you can stand up for yourself and still be a nice person.
That's a pretty monumental life lesson to learn in just 50 minutes and it's going to take a while for me to get my head around it. Zoe is really helping me get better emotionally and helping me change a lifetime of behaviours that have contributed to the way I feel about me, my life and the people in it.
Easter has taken me hostage this week, long before Good Friday too. Far too much chocolate has passed my lips and the diet has not only been ignored, but tipped on its head in return for a week of creamy, chocolatey gluttony. I've lost 1stone 1.5 lb so far and I live in fear for what has been put back on this week. Why can't I be addicted to salad?
Friday 3 April 2015
Session 5
It had been 3 weeks since my last counselling session when I saw Zoe this week. I'd really missed our sessions and had found myself mentally listing the things I wanted to talk to her about inbetween them.
This week, we discussed how I was feeling about everything we've covered so far and whether or not I am finding the counselling sessions beneficial. I explained to Zoe that I'm feeling better in myself and I'm feeling like I'm beginning to prioritise myself and my needs. She asked me how I'd like our sessions to progress and I pointed out that I'd noticed patterns in my mental health since having PND. I have suffered with depression in the past and can't help but notice similar themes.
In light of this, next week we're going to be creating a genogram. After googling, having never heard of a genogram before, I've discovered it's a bit like a map of your past and present relationships; the idea is that you pinpoint the impact they've had on you, whilst looking for patterns that may indicate reasons for your psychological state.
I'm looking forward to getting creative next week and looking at details of my life in black and white. I need to break this pattern for my own sanity and for my Daughter; she deserves a happy, content and secure Mummy. I'm determined to be a consistently positive presence in her life, hopefully once I've pinpointed my triggers, I'll be able to find a way of changing how I react to them. I'll let you know how it goes!
This week, we discussed how I was feeling about everything we've covered so far and whether or not I am finding the counselling sessions beneficial. I explained to Zoe that I'm feeling better in myself and I'm feeling like I'm beginning to prioritise myself and my needs. She asked me how I'd like our sessions to progress and I pointed out that I'd noticed patterns in my mental health since having PND. I have suffered with depression in the past and can't help but notice similar themes.
In light of this, next week we're going to be creating a genogram. After googling, having never heard of a genogram before, I've discovered it's a bit like a map of your past and present relationships; the idea is that you pinpoint the impact they've had on you, whilst looking for patterns that may indicate reasons for your psychological state.
I'm looking forward to getting creative next week and looking at details of my life in black and white. I need to break this pattern for my own sanity and for my Daughter; she deserves a happy, content and secure Mummy. I'm determined to be a consistently positive presence in her life, hopefully once I've pinpointed my triggers, I'll be able to find a way of changing how I react to them. I'll let you know how it goes!
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