My session with Zoe this weekend has been a poignant one. Having only had 6 sessions, I'm already feeling stronger and more confident in myself, I'm even setting myself little challenges in situations where I can work on being assertive. I've spoken out twice this weekend in situations where I wouldn't usually, although my tone may have been a little passive-aggressive on one occasion. I guess new skills don't come easily at first.
I picked 3 relationships to explore in my genogram: one, a relative and two, previous work colleagues. I wanted to understand why I allowed these people to take control of my emotions, which subsequently contributed to bouts of sadness, anger or depression.
We discovered through looking at the layout of my genogram that I am still endeavouring to protect one of these people. I'd always thought that analysing drawings and diagrams to decipher the creator's emotions was nonsense, but Zoe was right. The big fluffy cloud around one of the names acted as protection from the words I surrounded them with and refraining from joining those words with lines and arrows to their name detached them from words I classed as 'negative.' Unlike the other two people I'd mind mapped on the page, I'd linked their words to their names with strong arrows, even using capital letters for the word 'BULLY.'
I've always considered myself a negative person, but Zoe pointed out that I often balance a negative with a positive and I don't even know I'm doing it! Sometimes, I'll cushion the negative with a 'but' or a pretty little cloud on a piece of paper. I learned this week that I'm not so bad after all, I give facts, people make me feel how they make me feel and that's it. I don't have to feel guilty for feeling it, or even saying it. It's also ok to speak out when someone speaks to you in a manner you don't like, unlike old me, who'd have not said anything, but mulled over it later on; I don't have to fear conflict, fear being put down or fear being shouted at! Because it's actually ok to not stand and take shit, you can stand up for yourself and still be a nice person.
That's a pretty monumental life lesson to learn in just 50 minutes and it's going to take a while for me to get my head around it. Zoe is really helping me get better emotionally and helping me change a lifetime of behaviours that have contributed to the way I feel about me, my life and the people in it.
Easter has taken me hostage this week, long before Good Friday too. Far too much chocolate has passed my lips and the diet has not only been ignored, but tipped on its head in return for a week of creamy, chocolatey gluttony. I've lost 1stone 1.5 lb so far and I live in fear for what has been put back on this week. Why can't I be addicted to salad?
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