Like many new mums, I've read the books, googled the symptoms, searched for magic and miraculous ways to make my baby sleep and bought the magazines. They all deliver a similar message: trust your instincts as a Mum, but don't do this, don't do that and almost certainly never put your child to bed after 8pm. All this supportive, undermining advice has one thing in common- it makes us numb to our instincts as mothers.
"Trust your instincts"- I hadn't a clue where to find mine.
Over time, I have started to discover that my own methods work better than the ones in the books, those methods are conditional and variable on your baby and what your baby needs. Of course, it's taken months for me to discover this, but as I do, my confidence in my ability as a mother grows with it.
Here are some examples of useless advice from my own experience:
1) If you don't put your baby down in their cot whilst they're awake from 6 weeks of age, they may struggle to ever self settle.
Baby H has reflux and still doesn't go down in her cot awake as she needs to be kept upright for a while after feeding. However, she does go down in her cot awake during the daytime for naps; she niggles a little, but she has proved that she can infact self settle and she didn't learn this skill until she was more than 4 months old.
2) Put your baby down for a nap at the same time everyday.
Ridiculous. Baby H tends to follow patterns rather than times, as she can't actually tell the time yet. She doesn't wake at precisely the same time everyday, so the time she's due for a nap varies. It also depends on how much energy she's burned during the morning and how much porridge she's eaten for breakfast.
3) BLW will ensure you don't raise a fussy eater and all babies are ready for BLW at 6 months.
Believe this and feel stressed. Baby H was given baby porridge from 5 months due to suspected reflux; it really helped keep her morning feed down and enabled us to wean her gradually.
Once Baby H was 6 months old, we began giving her finger foods, but they would only startle her gag reflex and she was, on several occasions, put over my knee in a mad attempt to remove whatever she'd gotten stuck in her throat caused by her gagging in a panic. After that, we stuck to mashed foods and increased textures and consistencies slowly. This has been much less stressful for all involved and Baby H is trying new flavours with zest; she really enjoys her food and is able to consume more through being primarily spoon fed than through fingers foods.
That aside, many of my friends have been able to use BLW with their babies and had no problems. Every baby's needs are different.
4) If they won't go to sleep in their cot, let them cry it out.
I tried this on the advice of a health visitor and regretted following it. After over an hour of Baby H screaming, me crying and kicking over a chair in frustration, it resulted in no nap, an upset mum and baby and the consumption of an entire box of chocolates- a crazed attempt to add a highlight to the day.
When I came to the decision that after 20 minutes of screaming, I would end our napping mission and try again once we were calm again, I was able to get my baby to eventually nap. It can take a while at times, but more often than not, the first 20 minutes is successful. There is no way she's going to nap once she's worked herself up into a state.
5) Don't put your baby down to sleep when they're too awake or too sleepy. You have to get the timing exactly right.
Rubbish. Baby H needs to be exhausted before she'll go down for a nap. The more tired, the better.
You'll find advice like this in the same books that advise you to trust your instincts, which left me feeling confused as a new mum, but worst of all- I felt like a failure because all this good advice didn't seem to be working. I've now learned to listen to my baby, watch her patterns and follow them; that way I will always be able to work out if something isn't quite right.
Sleep advice is probably the worst advice in my opinion; it's what we all miss, need and want. I know when I can leave my baby to moan herself to sleep and when to tend to her screams caused by her griping tummy or sore gums. I don't need a book to tell me what to do.
Every situation, like every baby, is different. Trusting my instincts has given me confidence, because afterall, I know my own baby best.
Monday 23 March 2015
Saturday 21 March 2015
Noise be gone!
The sound of nothing. It used to make me nervous, not now. Every mum needs a break and it took me a while to realise that it's actually ok to have one!
Last night I went out alone, after 6pm to buy myself some new shoes whilst my partner put Baby H to bed. 12 months ago, the first thing I would have done after climbing into the car is switch on the radio- not now. I can't express how relaxing it was to take a journey with no car seat to buckle in, no pushchair to squeeze tactfully into the boot, but best of all, no noise. I love music, but the sound of no sound at all has become a loved and rare occurance.
When I stepped into the shoe store however, I was greeted by this rancid, loud music- the sort I'd have played in my car 12 months ago! I've been into the same store more times than I care to remember and always enjoyed the upbeat vibe and loud music. I can honestly say, the experience last night was vile. In my head, I was pleading with them to turn it down, or even better... turn the bloody thing off! I could feel myself growing more and more irritable as I browsed the aisles.
My shopping trip was successful, I have new shoes, one size larger than my pre-pregnancy shoes thanks to my post pregnancy fat feet! But I have to say, the best part of my shopping trip was the time I spent in the car... no noise and time to hear myself think!
I know other Mums do the same- we put our babies down for a nap during the day time with every intention of mopping the floor or folding the dry washing that's been lingering in the tumble dryer for 24 hours. However, most Mums I know don't.
We use nap times to our own advantage, to sit and suck up the quiet time, we relish it.
Procrastination is under valued; we literally sit down in the quiet and go "aaah."
Last night I went out alone, after 6pm to buy myself some new shoes whilst my partner put Baby H to bed. 12 months ago, the first thing I would have done after climbing into the car is switch on the radio- not now. I can't express how relaxing it was to take a journey with no car seat to buckle in, no pushchair to squeeze tactfully into the boot, but best of all, no noise. I love music, but the sound of no sound at all has become a loved and rare occurance.
When I stepped into the shoe store however, I was greeted by this rancid, loud music- the sort I'd have played in my car 12 months ago! I've been into the same store more times than I care to remember and always enjoyed the upbeat vibe and loud music. I can honestly say, the experience last night was vile. In my head, I was pleading with them to turn it down, or even better... turn the bloody thing off! I could feel myself growing more and more irritable as I browsed the aisles.
My shopping trip was successful, I have new shoes, one size larger than my pre-pregnancy shoes thanks to my post pregnancy fat feet! But I have to say, the best part of my shopping trip was the time I spent in the car... no noise and time to hear myself think!
I know other Mums do the same- we put our babies down for a nap during the day time with every intention of mopping the floor or folding the dry washing that's been lingering in the tumble dryer for 24 hours. However, most Mums I know don't.
We use nap times to our own advantage, to sit and suck up the quiet time, we relish it.
Procrastination is under valued; we literally sit down in the quiet and go "aaah."
Tuesday 10 March 2015
Sleep
Never again will I underestimate the power of a good sleep.
I need 7-8 hours of sleep most nights in order to function; when I was pregnant, it was the prospect of losing so much sleep which feared me the most, without it I would be an absolute dragon to live with. I was right to be scared!
When my waters broke at 1am on the Sunday morning, it was another 40 hours before was able to sleep. Following this broken and restless sleep, I didn't get another full night of sleep for 4 months. My labour had been a good one, but after little sleep, I was flaking right from the starting line, like the many women who suffer long, tiresome labours.
Lack of sleep had weird and wonderful side effects: feeling like I was on a rocky boat, coupled with dizziness, headaches and sickness, massive mood swings, forgetfulness, weakness (two nights on the trot I struggled to hold my baby to feed her), lethargy and of course exhaustion. I'm sure plenty of people are likely to become depressed working under such conditions for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Baby H began sleeping through consistently at 4.5months and I felt myself evolving slowly into my old self. I finally found my sense of humour, I was less irritable and more motivated during the day time. Sleep has a lot to answer for!
Of course, we still have our rough nights, but they are rare and the numbing feeling of daily life brought about by little sleep is losing familiarity. I'm beginning to take things in again, I'm enjoying life with the energy I used to have before sleep deprivation took me prisoner, I can even remember what I opened the fridge for these days! I believe however, that I am still recovering from 4 months of sleep deprivation, yet so many families suffer it much longer than we have, I ought to be thankful and believe me, I am.
I need 7-8 hours of sleep most nights in order to function; when I was pregnant, it was the prospect of losing so much sleep which feared me the most, without it I would be an absolute dragon to live with. I was right to be scared!
When my waters broke at 1am on the Sunday morning, it was another 40 hours before was able to sleep. Following this broken and restless sleep, I didn't get another full night of sleep for 4 months. My labour had been a good one, but after little sleep, I was flaking right from the starting line, like the many women who suffer long, tiresome labours.
Lack of sleep had weird and wonderful side effects: feeling like I was on a rocky boat, coupled with dizziness, headaches and sickness, massive mood swings, forgetfulness, weakness (two nights on the trot I struggled to hold my baby to feed her), lethargy and of course exhaustion. I'm sure plenty of people are likely to become depressed working under such conditions for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Baby H began sleeping through consistently at 4.5months and I felt myself evolving slowly into my old self. I finally found my sense of humour, I was less irritable and more motivated during the day time. Sleep has a lot to answer for!
Of course, we still have our rough nights, but they are rare and the numbing feeling of daily life brought about by little sleep is losing familiarity. I'm beginning to take things in again, I'm enjoying life with the energy I used to have before sleep deprivation took me prisoner, I can even remember what I opened the fridge for these days! I believe however, that I am still recovering from 4 months of sleep deprivation, yet so many families suffer it much longer than we have, I ought to be thankful and believe me, I am.
Saturday 7 March 2015
Session 4 and feeling proud
The first time I met Zoe, I told her how vulnerable I'd felt when I was pregnant and how it had impacted on the way I relate to others. I felt I'd become mute, a shadow of myself, forgetting my own feelings to fulfil the egos and desires of other people.
I told her that I needed counselling to fix this, for my Daughter's sake. I didn't want her to see me like this and I certainly didn't want her to become it. I wanted to become more assertive, I needed to stop pleasing everyone else.
As I talked during that first session, Zoe pointed out several occasions where I had been assertive in recent months. She told me there was no need to 'fix' anything, I just needed to find my voice again, which was still there somewhere.
This week, as an outcome of feeling utterly disappointed with an aspect of my life, I made a decision. One that is to benefit me primarily, but one that will no doubt benefit my Daughter. I've had to be assertive to make it work and I have to be assertive to carry it forward. Zoe told me she was proud of me, I'm finally beginning to see me as important and that's progress!
My friend, K, who also had a counselling session joined me at the quirky cafè again afterwards. I broke my diet again and ate a chicken and mozzarella panini and the home made victoria sponge was also too much to resist! I guess I was celebrating; feeling like I'm becoming Me again is liberating.
I told her that I needed counselling to fix this, for my Daughter's sake. I didn't want her to see me like this and I certainly didn't want her to become it. I wanted to become more assertive, I needed to stop pleasing everyone else.
As I talked during that first session, Zoe pointed out several occasions where I had been assertive in recent months. She told me there was no need to 'fix' anything, I just needed to find my voice again, which was still there somewhere.
This week, as an outcome of feeling utterly disappointed with an aspect of my life, I made a decision. One that is to benefit me primarily, but one that will no doubt benefit my Daughter. I've had to be assertive to make it work and I have to be assertive to carry it forward. Zoe told me she was proud of me, I'm finally beginning to see me as important and that's progress!
My friend, K, who also had a counselling session joined me at the quirky cafè again afterwards. I broke my diet again and ate a chicken and mozzarella panini and the home made victoria sponge was also too much to resist! I guess I was celebrating; feeling like I'm becoming Me again is liberating.
Friday 6 March 2015
What makes you bad makes you better
How many of us ever experienced love at first sight anyway?
Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was sure my girl was going to be a boy. During labour I even uttered the words "definitely a boy" in between long sucks in of gas + air, so when I finally pushed her out and my partner declared, "it's a girl" I was in shock.
Out she came, calmly, not crying, content with the world already and they laid her on me, but I couldn't see her face, nor could I lift her to see her properly. I remember her craning her neck up to see me and me looking away as I spoke casually to the midwife stitching me up. She was here, my baby, a stranger. And she had entered the world so at ease, she looked at me in awe and I didn't have a clue. I knew nothing about babies, I'd never even changed a nappy. I felt I'd let her down before I'd even begun.
We were strangers. I didn't know her enough to love her yet.
I struggled to tend to her needs at first, but it soon came. My friend once told me that "love is an action, not a feeling" and for a while, the love I had for my girl was through action. Does this mean I loved her any less than those women who feel that overwhelming sense of love straight away? No.
It was always there, just smothered by fear and a chemical imbalance we call Depression.
As I get better slowly, it's my Daughter that is getting me there, our unique bond, my unwavering love for her. She makes me laugh everyday as she communicates with me through her facial expressions, her actions. I fall in love with her everyday.
she will never feel the fear and uncertainty I felt for her when she was born, but she will always feel my love. It's this remarkable love that helps me heal.
Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was sure my girl was going to be a boy. During labour I even uttered the words "definitely a boy" in between long sucks in of gas + air, so when I finally pushed her out and my partner declared, "it's a girl" I was in shock.
Out she came, calmly, not crying, content with the world already and they laid her on me, but I couldn't see her face, nor could I lift her to see her properly. I remember her craning her neck up to see me and me looking away as I spoke casually to the midwife stitching me up. She was here, my baby, a stranger. And she had entered the world so at ease, she looked at me in awe and I didn't have a clue. I knew nothing about babies, I'd never even changed a nappy. I felt I'd let her down before I'd even begun.
We were strangers. I didn't know her enough to love her yet.
I struggled to tend to her needs at first, but it soon came. My friend once told me that "love is an action, not a feeling" and for a while, the love I had for my girl was through action. Does this mean I loved her any less than those women who feel that overwhelming sense of love straight away? No.
It was always there, just smothered by fear and a chemical imbalance we call Depression.
As I get better slowly, it's my Daughter that is getting me there, our unique bond, my unwavering love for her. She makes me laugh everyday as she communicates with me through her facial expressions, her actions. I fall in love with her everyday.
she will never feel the fear and uncertainty I felt for her when she was born, but she will always feel my love. It's this remarkable love that helps me heal.
Monday 2 March 2015
Daddy
Watching my partner grow into the role of fatherhood has been somewhat special. I look back at those early days and remember my fear, anxiety and uncertainty, I remember the times I told him off, the times he held and rocked her. But I was so absorbed into the world of motherhood that I never saw his fears, anxieties and uncertainties.
I saw the way he held her so delicately at first, love and awe in his eyes, to the way he plays with her now, lifting her high into the air and back down again, his eyes full of laughter. I remember the times he took over when it got tough, the chops he made for dinner without me asking him, the flowers in the window and the pride in his smile.
He must have been scared too, but he plodded on with a shaky optimism; no father wants to upset a mother with PND. He knew only too well how easily I could break, how uncertain I'd become about our lives as a family, but he plodded on.
There are times he doesn't understand. Like a lioness, I protect our baby from intruders, from threat. He will never know the heights of such an intense feeling, but he strives to accept it and accept me, even when he can't see the threat.
He loves me for being her Mum, he loves the way I love her, he loves me when I'm low. Only now, as my black cloud begins to slightly break away, leaving tiny sun beams to stretch out warming arms, do I see him clearly. My partner, still here, still loving me, lifting our child up, playfully and confidently with big eyes full of wonder.
I saw the way he held her so delicately at first, love and awe in his eyes, to the way he plays with her now, lifting her high into the air and back down again, his eyes full of laughter. I remember the times he took over when it got tough, the chops he made for dinner without me asking him, the flowers in the window and the pride in his smile.
He must have been scared too, but he plodded on with a shaky optimism; no father wants to upset a mother with PND. He knew only too well how easily I could break, how uncertain I'd become about our lives as a family, but he plodded on.
There are times he doesn't understand. Like a lioness, I protect our baby from intruders, from threat. He will never know the heights of such an intense feeling, but he strives to accept it and accept me, even when he can't see the threat.
He loves me for being her Mum, he loves the way I love her, he loves me when I'm low. Only now, as my black cloud begins to slightly break away, leaving tiny sun beams to stretch out warming arms, do I see him clearly. My partner, still here, still loving me, lifting our child up, playfully and confidently with big eyes full of wonder.
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