Like many new mums, I've read the books, googled the symptoms, searched for magic and miraculous ways to make my baby sleep and bought the magazines. They all deliver a similar message: trust your instincts as a Mum, but don't do this, don't do that and almost certainly never put your child to bed after 8pm. All this supportive, undermining advice has one thing in common- it makes us numb to our instincts as mothers.
"Trust your instincts"- I hadn't a clue where to find mine.
Over time, I have started to discover that my own methods work better than the ones in the books, those methods are conditional and variable on your baby and what your baby needs. Of course, it's taken months for me to discover this, but as I do, my confidence in my ability as a mother grows with it.
Here are some examples of useless advice from my own experience:
1) If you don't put your baby down in their cot whilst they're awake from 6 weeks of age, they may struggle to ever self settle.
Baby H has reflux and still doesn't go down in her cot awake as she needs to be kept upright for a while after feeding. However, she does go down in her cot awake during the daytime for naps; she niggles a little, but she has proved that she can infact self settle and she didn't learn this skill until she was more than 4 months old.
2) Put your baby down for a nap at the same time everyday.
Ridiculous. Baby H tends to follow patterns rather than times, as she can't actually tell the time yet. She doesn't wake at precisely the same time everyday, so the time she's due for a nap varies. It also depends on how much energy she's burned during the morning and how much porridge she's eaten for breakfast.
3) BLW will ensure you don't raise a fussy eater and all babies are ready for BLW at 6 months.
Believe this and feel stressed. Baby H was given baby porridge from 5 months due to suspected reflux; it really helped keep her morning feed down and enabled us to wean her gradually.
Once Baby H was 6 months old, we began giving her finger foods, but they would only startle her gag reflex and she was, on several occasions, put over my knee in a mad attempt to remove whatever she'd gotten stuck in her throat caused by her gagging in a panic. After that, we stuck to mashed foods and increased textures and consistencies slowly. This has been much less stressful for all involved and Baby H is trying new flavours with zest; she really enjoys her food and is able to consume more through being primarily spoon fed than through fingers foods.
That aside, many of my friends have been able to use BLW with their babies and had no problems. Every baby's needs are different.
4) If they won't go to sleep in their cot, let them cry it out.
I tried this on the advice of a health visitor and regretted following it. After over an hour of Baby H screaming, me crying and kicking over a chair in frustration, it resulted in no nap, an upset mum and baby and the consumption of an entire box of chocolates- a crazed attempt to add a highlight to the day.
When I came to the decision that after 20 minutes of screaming, I would end our napping mission and try again once we were calm again, I was able to get my baby to eventually nap. It can take a while at times, but more often than not, the first 20 minutes is successful. There is no way she's going to nap once she's worked herself up into a state.
5) Don't put your baby down to sleep when they're too awake or too sleepy. You have to get the timing exactly right.
Rubbish. Baby H needs to be exhausted before she'll go down for a nap. The more tired, the better.
You'll find advice like this in the same books that advise you to trust your instincts, which left me feeling confused as a new mum, but worst of all- I felt like a failure because all this good advice didn't seem to be working. I've now learned to listen to my baby, watch her patterns and follow them; that way I will always be able to work out if something isn't quite right.
Sleep advice is probably the worst advice in my opinion; it's what we all miss, need and want. I know when I can leave my baby to moan herself to sleep and when to tend to her screams caused by her griping tummy or sore gums. I don't need a book to tell me what to do.
Every situation, like every baby, is different. Trusting my instincts has given me confidence, because afterall, I know my own baby best.
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