Finding Out

As a new mum, I found it difficult to comprehend my feelings. They say that baby blues are normal, whilst the continuation of anxiety and feelings of hopelessness are not normal beyond around 4 weeks post-partum. That aside,  PND is actually very common. I didn't know what I was feeling when I was feeling it because I was so tired and busy; I had no time to reflect on feelings, and besides they were insignificant with a newborn to take care care of.

 I didn't notice my extreme anxiety over cleanliness, my disinterest in the world around me, I barely noticed how long I'd been staring out of the window- lost. I didn't take account of being more than tired, of feeling hopeless and miserable that this was now my life, the feeling of being suffocated by the influx of well meaning visitors and the feeling that she belonged to someone else. She didn't look like me.
"Is she mine?"
 The negative thought paths I'd go down, thinking about work, how I'd let everyone down, my interfering mother-in-law. Drained in her company. Drained full stop.

At 6 weeks post-partum, my low feelings and mood were picked up by a Health Visitor and I received a phone call from my GP the following day, asking to see me. I was diagnosed with PND that day.

PND shows itself in many guises, mine had little to do with the way I'd bonded with my daughter, although it played a minor part in the black cloud that fogged my ability to be happy. The deeper I fell into my lonely hole, the more I ate, food was a comfort for depression and for colic. My anger, irritability, guilt and fear ripened; my partner took the brunt well, whilst also hiding away from what needed to be addressed. I shouted, blamed him, apologised, cried then did it all over again.


On being diagnosed, I was offered but didn't want to take anti-depressants as they hadn't agreed with me during a previous bout of depression 5 years ago. I was therefore referred to an organisation for women with PND. A Mental Health Nurse who I'll refer to as 'MN', talked things through with me and offered practical solutions for issues that made me angry, anxious or upset.

After following some of her advice, I realised that I just needed someone to acknowledge my feelings and tell me it was ok to feel the way I did. MN was well meaning, but wanted to up-route me from my negative feelings and thought processes, long before I was ready to be up-routed. I was happy in my miserable rut and in some ways, I still am.

I then considered seeking help from mental health charity Mind, as I did 5 years ago. On the day of calling them, I was given a consultation with a counsellor who explained to me that Mental Health Nurses and counsellors work in different ways, if MN's way wasn't working, then perhaps counselling was the way forward. I was subsequently added to the 9 week waiting list.

On February 14th 2015, I met my counsellor, Zoe.
On the way to my first appointment, I was worried about how I'd begin, what would I say to her?
It was difficult at first then once I began, it flowed.

Zoe listened and listened, confirmed what I'd said at times to help me make sense of my thinking. I wanted to squeeze in everything during that session, but it was impossible, I gave her snippets of information, coupled with explanations of my feelings. She didn't offer practical advice, but at the end told me that what I'd been through had been "really, really shitty" and that it was no wonder I was feeling the way I was. This clarification and acceptance of my feelings was a positive outcome for me and one I know will be a part of my recovery.

I don't want to document the intensity of my negative thoughts and feelings during the darkest days of PND, but my journey to getting better and I now think that part of that journey begins at Mind. I want to document everything that makes me feel good or happy, then hopefully, my blog will inspire other women to seek help and get better too.