Telling the truth

A lot can be said for honesty. But being honest is hard, or rather finding the words to be so is. I've learned that it's difficult to articulate your thoughts and feelings effectively when in the throws of depression. For many of us, the talking needs to come after the storm passes.

I feel like my storm is beginning to die down, my journey of recovery hasn't been an easy start to finish. I've had to ride new storms when others have died down; feeling like it's over, then discovering it's not. If I could create a graph showing my PND journey, the highest point of depression would climax somewhere in the middle, when I'd started to recover. The beginning of my line would be a mediocre straight one to represent numbness and detachment. Dealing with feelings related to my depression came further down the line.

Now that things are clearer, the truth is also clear, especially now that I've dealt with the anger, disappointment and frustration that goes hand in hand with the truth. For me, telling the truth is easier now because I can see it, but I can also detach myself from it.

The truth of PND can be difficult to face, but giving it a voice can help too. This even reaches out to telling other people the truth, letting them know what is ok and what isn't. Creating boundaries that make you feel safe is perfectly reasonable in order to protect your mental well being. It's easy to forget your boundaries when you're lost and it's easy to forget to do what's right for you. Be honest with yourself and then be honest with everyone else. I realise the content of this entry could come across cryptic, but hopefully a fellow sufferer will be able to relate to my thoughts.

On a lighter note, the weight loss graph is still on the decline... a slow decline headed in the right direction! My current loss stands at 1st 4.5lb. I've never been this big before, but I've also never lost this much weight before. I guess it's an achievement! Maybe slow and steady wins the race afterall?

8 sessions in

This week marked my 8th session at Mind and my impending return to work became the topic of the session.

In many ways, I am looking forward to going back to work. Illness during pregnancy inhibited me from doing my job to the best of my ability and in some ways, disabled me from doing my job at all. For this reason, I feel like I've been on maternity leave forever! I'm really looking forward to sinking my teeth into my work again, achieving something other than being Mum for a few days a week, whilst proving that I'm still capable of doing my job well.

You may wonder why I haven't returned to work sooner if I've been missing it; I haven't been ready mentally to return. It's a fast paced, high pressure environment and I'm aware that some people felt let down by my inability to perform my duties well when I was pregnant. I felt like I'd let myself down for a good while and shortly after Baby H was born, my mind kept on wandering back to all those I'd 'let down' when I was pregnant. It's only very recently that I've made peace with myself and my pregnancy, I'm a hard working person the rest of the time, what happened was not my fault and in fact, I deserved support, I didn't deserve to feel the way I did. It's a sensitive subject for me, so returning to work too early could undo the work I've put into getting better.

I confessed to Zoe that, had I been better supported in the work place, I think I could have possibly battled through the pregnancy related illnesses and continued doing my job. For a long time, thoughts of this made me feel ashamed, "I should have just carried on doing my job regardless, I should have forced myself to do this and  that."

Zoe asked me if I felt ashamed now. My answer was 'no.' Having said my thoughts out loud, they suddenly didn't seem so bad anymore. Of course I couldn't perform my job properly, battling ongoing sickness, anaemia, and consecutive infections; lacking support and alienation was only going to magnify my illness and make it impossible to face my already high pressured work load. I felt sorry for me as I looked back and the more I think about it, the more I'm determined to not allow myself to feel that level of shame and inferiority again.

This week, I've learned that bad experiences will make you more sensitive to the things going on around you and subsequent criticism and negativity will automatically flick on bad feelings or defence mechanisms, but time and support are great healers.

Buy yourself a big present

Talking therapy has opened many half-open doors for me over the last couple of months. As a result, I've been swept into feeling many bewildering and intense emotions, even after the days and weeks where I've begun to feel much better.

Dealing with the anger, frustration and sadness of not protecting myself better or being kinder to myself during such a monumental time in my life has been really hard. I'm now striving to be kinder to myself- allowing breathing space, time to enjoy my interests and hobbies, letting myself achieve in roles other than my role of 'mum.'

I've treated myself to a proper break, which I shall be enjoying at a lovely spa in a couple of weeks time with a lady I thoroughly enjoy spending time with. We have treated ourselves to 4 treatments during our day, if I'm going to do this, well, I'm going to do it properly!


What I also would like to do is to buy myself a big present. Something tangible, something I can look at everyday and be reminded that I'm important too, that I've done ok during my first year as a Mum and here is a gift from me to me that says so. Sure, I've bought myself the odd magazine here and there, a candle, nail varnish, bar of chocolate, pairs of leggings, floaty tops since baby H was born. But I want a treat substantial enough to mark how far I've come and besides, some of my 'treats' perhaps fall under the category of 'necessity' anyway.

Money is tight. My maternity pay has come to an end and I'm perhaps about to do something a little frivolous, a bit foreign. I wouldn't think twice about buying necessary clothes for my daughter, I regularly treat her to books, toys, baby classes, swimming along with the compulsory baby buys throughout the year. I rarely feel guilty. It's time I made allowances for a present for me.

I haven't decided what my present will be yet, but it will be something lovely that reminds me how far I've come. If your income or savings (like in my case) will allow for a one off splurge to buy yourself a well deserved present- do it! Join me in this mission in being frivolous- buy yourself a lovely, big present. I think we deserve it.

The cyber-bullying world of Mumsnet

I really must be growing more assertive to write such a controversial post as this, but I feel it's necessary. Put your babies sleep problems, teething troubles, pooing disasters into Google search and much of the time, you will be greeted by a list of posts from Mumsnet users. Click on the threads and you'll find a lot of helpful advice and anecdotes you can relate to, written by other mums. However, you will also find replies from a bunch of critical women, waiting to take a pop at the next vulnerable, helpless mummy.

In the thick of PND, I'd relate back to the poster seeking help, then read the critical posts pointing out everything the poster was doing 'wrong' and use their comments as a stick for punishing myself. I must do better. These are 'supportive' mums, the experts, posting here to help other mums, they have the answers right? Wrong.

The day came that I published my own thread to ask for advice on managing finances once my maternity pay came to an end. I was met, no I was hounded with negativity pretty much straight away.  Firstly, one woman wanted to know why I hadnt returned to work yet if I was worrying about finances and also wanted to know why I was planning on returning to work part-time, surely it was a 'bad idea'. Being in a better place than I was 6months ago, I was able to step back and realise that this question was irrelevant and none of her business, I didn't respond.

I was then questioned as to why my partner and I weren't married by another poster who then went on to describe the awful foundations we had laid for our child having not have gotten married before she was born. I politely asked her to post elsewhere and explained I found such comments unhelpful. Soon came similar comments made by other posters, possibly made by the same poster in different guises as I've since discovered that it's possible to change your username and post as a different poster on the same thread.

Some women warned that I had put myself in a very vulnerable position by putting my career on hold whilst living happily un-married to the father of my child, fears that had never even crossed my mind. Women that knew very little about my circumstances or background to my relationship divulged all sorts of sinister conclusions on my personal life, which left me feeling lost, alone and scared. I cried myself to sleep that night as my partner lay next to me, oblivious to the frightening thoughts that were running through my head.

Mumsnet is supposed to be a supportive forum, a place to seek advice from other expert mummies. You will find women you can reach out to on Mumsnet, however you will also discover nasty women who will pick apart every last discrepancy in your problem or story; I've witnessed women pounce on posters' grammar, on the words they choose, on the way they personally choose to live their lives. I am very fortunate to be surrounded by many supportive mummies in the real world, but the cyber world is a platform for the competitive, bitter, nasty women who wait for vulnerable bait behind the comfort of a computer screen. As parents, we spend our time protecting our children from adversity, inequality and evil in the world; the media tells us about the dangers of cyber bullying and encourages us to teach our children to use the Internet respectively.

Go to Mumsnet and you will find grown-up cyber bullies prowling for vulnerable people like you. It saddens me that we can't rely on support from the networks with the expertise and knowledge to support us. It saddens me that some women are so sad about their own lives that they pick apart, scrutinise and trample on the lives and feelings of other women. So much for female solidarity.

My advice: Stay away from Mumsnet.

A healthy relapse?

There's always going to be good days and bad days, even when you feel like you're getting better, but I wasn't really prepared for a week of feeling down again. I'm a bit puzzled as to why I've had a big set back, perhaps delving into the past during counselling sessions has dug up some old feelings. I've had that same trapped feeling I felt in the very beginning, feeling criticised instead of taking comments with a pinch of salt, baby H's routine has felt monotonous, I feel fat and unattractive and I've been eating chocolate again!

Negative thoughts have been consuming over the last week and some days have felt like mountains to climb again.

I've needed a break.

It's easy to forget to prioritise your 'me time' in the midst of routine and to-do lists, but this week, I've been reminded that breaks ought to be given ultimate priority. I'm always a more creative, energetic mummy after some much needed 'me time.'

After eventually realising I needed to get away from the routine and stomping off to the car in tears, I found myself sitting on a car park, wondering where to go. Where did I used to go? I couldn't remember. I then drove back home even more upset.

I found my answer a day or two later when I got the opportunity to do some gardening. The quiet time in the sun, enjoying nature and achieving something other than 'being mum' was all that was required to lift my spirits. A break from the routine, not an expensive luxurious spa day or a make-over, just time to do normal stuff within the space of my own home.

My week has gladly improved over the last couple of days as I've been given the opportunity to enjoy some sunshine with my friends and their babies. Chatting to other mums really is great therapy.

I also had my session at Mind today and I reluctantly explained my set back to Zoe. She offered reassurance in an instant, it is apparently quite normal to have a set back half way through therapy and it is a sign that I'm actually getting better. I'd been so worried that I'd let her down and that all my hard work had gone to waste, her words offered me an immense amount of comfort. I think I could have had a slight relapse due to me needing a break and because of the emotional effects of exploring the past in recent weeks. But, that's ok.

I felt like Zoe and I had a good spring clean during today's session and I left feeling exhausted, in a good way, the sort of exhausted you feel after you've had a good clear out and you sit down with a nice brew and a chocolate biscuit. A good cry was my chocolate biscuit today, no chocolate in sight!

Product of environment

Session 7 allowed me to delve a little deeper into my past relationships with influential people such as family members and previous employers. It has become apparent that I often crumble in the face of authority; as a result of this, I often crumble in the faces of those I give authority to and shouldn't.

My current relationships have been largely impacted by this learned behaviour and it has affected my feelings towards myself as a mother. I've sometimes disregarded my instincts for the careless pieces of advice and criticism from others.

Every mother faces these challenges, but it's knowing that you- the mummy, knows best that's important. Picking apart my past relationships is really helping me understand why I gave authority and validity to the silly, careless comments of others in the beginning. Lack of belief in myself impacted on the way I felt about my ability to be a mother, feelings that had no reflection on my ability whatsoever.

I've learned that our fears, behaviours, likes and dislikes are, to some extent influenced by our environment. However, recognising it and focusing on change, looking at the facts, rather than invalid stories of the past can set us free. It's like an error in our programming and until we see the error, we can't fix it easily.

I left session 7 with a spring in my step, I am working hard at getting better, this was acknowledged by Zoe and  she congratulated me. She also told me I was 'cool' which is quite nice considering she knows so much about me.

Zoe is a wonderful counsellor and I feel really lucky to be working with her. I can't emphasise enough how life changing it can be to pick apart your fears and explore who you are with the guidance of a counsellor. Anyone struggling with mental health should give it a go, it's not for everyone I'm sure, but when it is, it really is life changing.

Exploring the past and a chocolate splurge

My session with Zoe this weekend has been a poignant one. Having only had 6 sessions, I'm already feeling stronger and more confident in myself, I'm even setting myself little challenges in situations where I can work on being assertive. I've spoken out twice this weekend in situations where I wouldn't usually, although my tone may have been a little passive-aggressive on one occasion. I guess new skills don't come easily at first.

I picked 3 relationships to explore in my genogram: one, a relative and two, previous work colleagues. I wanted to understand why I allowed these people to take control of my emotions, which subsequently contributed to bouts of sadness, anger or depression.

We discovered through looking at the layout of my genogram that I am still endeavouring to protect one of these people. I'd always thought that analysing drawings and diagrams to decipher the creator's emotions was nonsense, but Zoe was right. The big fluffy cloud around one of the names acted as protection from the words I surrounded them with and refraining from joining those words with lines and arrows to their name detached them from words I classed as 'negative.' Unlike the other two people I'd mind mapped on the page, I'd linked their words to their names with strong arrows, even using capital letters for the word 'BULLY.'

I've always considered myself a negative person, but Zoe pointed out that I often balance a negative with a positive and I don't even know I'm doing it! Sometimes, I'll cushion the negative with a 'but' or a pretty little cloud on a piece of paper. I learned this week that I'm not so bad after all, I give facts, people make me feel how they make me feel and that's it. I don't have to feel guilty for feeling it, or even saying it. It's also ok to speak out when someone speaks to you in a manner you don't like, unlike old me, who'd have not said anything, but mulled over it later on; I don't have to fear conflict, fear being put down or fear being shouted at! Because it's actually ok to not stand and take shit, you can stand up for yourself and still be a nice person.

That's a pretty monumental life lesson to learn in just 50 minutes and it's going to take a while for me to get my head around it. Zoe is really helping me get better emotionally and helping me change a lifetime of behaviours that have contributed to the way I feel about me, my life and the people in it.

Easter has taken me hostage this week, long before Good Friday too. Far too much chocolate has passed my lips and the diet has not only been ignored, but tipped on its head in return for a week of creamy, chocolatey gluttony. I've lost 1stone 1.5 lb so far and I live in fear for what has been put back on this week. Why can't I be addicted to salad?