"No treatment required"

Saturday was an emotional day.
I said goodbye to my counsellor, Zoe, who has been my conifidant, my guru, my lifeline for the last 7 months. During our session, she asked me how I felt about our sessions drawing to an end and I cried; she asked if they were sad or happy tears and I replied that they were both.
I found it difficult to utter the words "I'll miss you" but Zoe managed to decipher them for herself, which made it easier.

The great thing about our final session was the acknowledgement that I may have to return for treatment one day, but that it's ok to do so. I know that Mind's doors are always open should I need them and the shame of having to walk through them again is non-existent, in fact I'll miss walking through those doors. The building for me, represents safety and honesty. The ability to metaphorically strip myself of the expectations of society and of the expectations I place on myself, then walk into the building as Me is a feeling that liberated me from the very start. No mask. No forced smiles. Just Me. I'll miss that pokey little waiting room. I'll miss Saturdays.

Missing Mind is ok, because I'll miss them like an old friend, the sort you part with for a while then pick up with exactly where you left off after some time has passed. I won't miss them like a crutch, because I don't need them anymore, officially, I don't need them.

Before leaving, I was given my last mental health assessment and although it indicated a slight anxiety problem, one of which I feel is actually a part of Me, my depression score was 4. This falls under the category of "no treatment required."

How good is that?

I'm officially PND free.

Goodbye PND

 For me, there will never be an end to the recovery, as I'm forever learning and finding new ways to cope with the role of being a Mum. However, it is an end to those dark, frightening, uncertain days. I achieved my goal, which was ultimately, to feel well again.

Today, my partner told me that I seem 'empowered' and he was right. I feel it.nEmpowered by my ability to admit that I had a problem, by my determination to get better, by my strength. It isn't the getting better which empowers us, but our strength to admit that things aren't ok, to seek help and change things. PND may debilitate us for a short time, but the road to recovery is an empowering one and I'm proud of myself for seeking help; it was brave, not weak. 

I've changed as a person; the old me didn't have the confidence or insight that I have today. I'm wiser, more resilient, better equipped. Depression could strike me again, but I know the warning signs and I'm not afraid to deal with it again should I need to. When I was diagnosed with PND, I felt angry with myself, after battling depression 5 years previously, I was never supposed to have to fight the battle again. I was supposed to be cured. I've since lowered my expectations!

I don't expect to not to have to face elements of anxiety or depression in the near future either, parts of my condition will remain I'm sure. But having that insight, the ability to step back and see myself objectively, I'll hopefully be able to deal with anything I need to. It can be difficult to listen to yourself when you're busy, easy to not take notice, but it's important to reflect from time to time. People who don't reflect are more reluctant to change. Change is how we adjust to the world around us. 

It's a shame that I hide behind this blog, many people who read this don't know my name, nor will they see my face. Stigma aside, few want to openly talk about their depression. My work colleagues don't know that I've had PND, most probably won't consider I might have. I've heard the phrase,

"You look great, motherhood must suit you" a few times since my return to work. I smile. 

I look good as a product of my determination and my ability to admit I had a problem; it's the reason I feel good too.

After reflecting on my recovery, I can fully appreciate that It wasn't straight forward, however I have drawn up a list of 12 things that I feel helped me get better:

1) Going to Mind for Counselling. The help I've received through this unbelievably valuable charity has been second to none. It is the second time I've reached out to Mind for help with my mental health and both times, they have been a monumental part of my recovery. I really cannot thank Mind and of course, my counsellor enough. In a couple of weeks time, my sessions will come to an end and it saddens me, however, they have helped me build enough strength to cope without them and ultimately, that is what it's all about.

2) Growing, buying, preparing and eating healthy food and  losing 1st 9lb as a result.

3) Joining a supportive and friendly weight loss group.

4) Factoring in time to do things I enjoyed before baby H came along.

5) Turning off the TV

6) Walking

7) Spending time with other supportive, friendly new Mums.

8) Going to a weekly Baby Sensory class with my Daughter and learning new ways to play and interact with her.

9) Treating and rewarding myself: whether it be weight loss triumph rewards or getting my nails painted because I feel like it. Being kind to myself has really helped.

10) Giving less time and focus to the negative influences in my life.

11) Sleep.

12) Reading: self help books, magazines, trashy novels, comedies, fantasy novels. Anything.


I hope one day, my blog can empower just one person to take control of their PND, admitting that you need help is the biggest and best step you can ever take. Being a Mum was never supposed to be like anything, it just is how it is and that's ok. One day, you will feel well again.

Back to work

I've had my first full day at work and survived it.

It felt immensely strange as I entered the building, everyone else working away like yesterday, the day before that and the one before. Nothing changed. All as it was before.

All except the displays on the walls, the maternity cover person sitting at my desk, the new lady in reception, the location of all my folders and paperwork from a lifetime ago and Me. I'm not the same, because I have a baby now and she's on my mind.

My job used to be a big part of my life, but now it has to fit in with my family. After a week at work, I've discovered that I work harder when I'm there to make more time for my life at home. Conversations in the hall way have to be cut short, my emails are shorter, more to the point, I'm busier, more organised. Having a baby has made me quite brilliant at planning ahead, so time management is now a mastered skill!

The days I spend at work are so busy, that I barely have time to think about baby H and what she's up to for long periods of time. At first I felt guilty, but now I see it as healthy, my work gets my full attention and so does she when I'm home. My work has also given me a piece of me back that had been lost through becoming a mum, a passion I'd forgotten about. I feel quite liberated now that I'm back doing something that reminds me of me and more importantly, I feel like a good role model to my Daughter.

Closer than we think

My integration back into work has begun and baby H has started nursery.

I thought I'd be glad to be back in the routine of working life, being someone other than Mum and working part-time would give me the opportunity to still enjoy my days with baby H. Becoming Mum wasn't an easy transition for me, so going back to my working self was going to be easy-ish.

Leaving my baby at nursery whilst she cries for me has been one of the hardest trials of motherhood for me so far, finding the time to prepare my workload for my return has been almost impossible, the sadness I feel in the hours leading up to parting from Baby H has been immense.

My baby has felt it too, her cuddles last much longer and she squeezes tighter than before, she knows she's loved and she loves in return. It makes me realise that we have an incredible bond, one that may have been difficult to feel at first, but was always there and I know now that we were always closer than I'd thought.

Counselling sessions have been a huge help in easing the weight of returning to work, Zoe has empathised with my worries and concerns and I've felt really supported. There are only 3-4 sessions left with Zoe; I was worried that I'd be feeling a bit lost once they came to an end but I'm actually feeling quite strong. Going back to work is a huge hurdle that I'm working hard to overcome in our sessions, but with the support I've received already and my growing sense of confidence and strength, I think I'll be ok.

Telling the truth

A lot can be said for honesty. But being honest is hard, or rather finding the words to be so is. I've learned that it's difficult to articulate your thoughts and feelings effectively when in the throws of depression. For many of us, the talking needs to come after the storm passes.

I feel like my storm is beginning to die down, my journey of recovery hasn't been an easy start to finish. I've had to ride new storms when others have died down; feeling like it's over, then discovering it's not. If I could create a graph showing my PND journey, the highest point of depression would climax somewhere in the middle, when I'd started to recover. The beginning of my line would be a mediocre straight one to represent numbness and detachment. Dealing with feelings related to my depression came further down the line.

Now that things are clearer, the truth is also clear, especially now that I've dealt with the anger, disappointment and frustration that goes hand in hand with the truth. For me, telling the truth is easier now because I can see it, but I can also detach myself from it.

The truth of PND can be difficult to face, but giving it a voice can help too. This even reaches out to telling other people the truth, letting them know what is ok and what isn't. Creating boundaries that make you feel safe is perfectly reasonable in order to protect your mental well being. It's easy to forget your boundaries when you're lost and it's easy to forget to do what's right for you. Be honest with yourself and then be honest with everyone else. I realise the content of this entry could come across cryptic, but hopefully a fellow sufferer will be able to relate to my thoughts.

On a lighter note, the weight loss graph is still on the decline... a slow decline headed in the right direction! My current loss stands at 1st 4.5lb. I've never been this big before, but I've also never lost this much weight before. I guess it's an achievement! Maybe slow and steady wins the race afterall?

8 sessions in

This week marked my 8th session at Mind and my impending return to work became the topic of the session.

In many ways, I am looking forward to going back to work. Illness during pregnancy inhibited me from doing my job to the best of my ability and in some ways, disabled me from doing my job at all. For this reason, I feel like I've been on maternity leave forever! I'm really looking forward to sinking my teeth into my work again, achieving something other than being Mum for a few days a week, whilst proving that I'm still capable of doing my job well.

You may wonder why I haven't returned to work sooner if I've been missing it; I haven't been ready mentally to return. It's a fast paced, high pressure environment and I'm aware that some people felt let down by my inability to perform my duties well when I was pregnant. I felt like I'd let myself down for a good while and shortly after Baby H was born, my mind kept on wandering back to all those I'd 'let down' when I was pregnant. It's only very recently that I've made peace with myself and my pregnancy, I'm a hard working person the rest of the time, what happened was not my fault and in fact, I deserved support, I didn't deserve to feel the way I did. It's a sensitive subject for me, so returning to work too early could undo the work I've put into getting better.

I confessed to Zoe that, had I been better supported in the work place, I think I could have possibly battled through the pregnancy related illnesses and continued doing my job. For a long time, thoughts of this made me feel ashamed, "I should have just carried on doing my job regardless, I should have forced myself to do this and  that."

Zoe asked me if I felt ashamed now. My answer was 'no.' Having said my thoughts out loud, they suddenly didn't seem so bad anymore. Of course I couldn't perform my job properly, battling ongoing sickness, anaemia, and consecutive infections; lacking support and alienation was only going to magnify my illness and make it impossible to face my already high pressured work load. I felt sorry for me as I looked back and the more I think about it, the more I'm determined to not allow myself to feel that level of shame and inferiority again.

This week, I've learned that bad experiences will make you more sensitive to the things going on around you and subsequent criticism and negativity will automatically flick on bad feelings or defence mechanisms, but time and support are great healers.

Buy yourself a big present

Talking therapy has opened many half-open doors for me over the last couple of months. As a result, I've been swept into feeling many bewildering and intense emotions, even after the days and weeks where I've begun to feel much better.

Dealing with the anger, frustration and sadness of not protecting myself better or being kinder to myself during such a monumental time in my life has been really hard. I'm now striving to be kinder to myself- allowing breathing space, time to enjoy my interests and hobbies, letting myself achieve in roles other than my role of 'mum.'

I've treated myself to a proper break, which I shall be enjoying at a lovely spa in a couple of weeks time with a lady I thoroughly enjoy spending time with. We have treated ourselves to 4 treatments during our day, if I'm going to do this, well, I'm going to do it properly!


What I also would like to do is to buy myself a big present. Something tangible, something I can look at everyday and be reminded that I'm important too, that I've done ok during my first year as a Mum and here is a gift from me to me that says so. Sure, I've bought myself the odd magazine here and there, a candle, nail varnish, bar of chocolate, pairs of leggings, floaty tops since baby H was born. But I want a treat substantial enough to mark how far I've come and besides, some of my 'treats' perhaps fall under the category of 'necessity' anyway.

Money is tight. My maternity pay has come to an end and I'm perhaps about to do something a little frivolous, a bit foreign. I wouldn't think twice about buying necessary clothes for my daughter, I regularly treat her to books, toys, baby classes, swimming along with the compulsory baby buys throughout the year. I rarely feel guilty. It's time I made allowances for a present for me.

I haven't decided what my present will be yet, but it will be something lovely that reminds me how far I've come. If your income or savings (like in my case) will allow for a one off splurge to buy yourself a well deserved present- do it! Join me in this mission in being frivolous- buy yourself a lovely, big present. I think we deserve it.