Session 3

Today has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster.

I talked to Zoe about the way I feel when I'm around different people; my supportive Mummy network helps keep me safe as do other friends and family, but of course there are those that have a negative impact on the way I feel. Not all mummies are supportive of other mums, some are competitive, but these Mums have their own issues, as Zoe and I discussed today. It's about keeping ourselves safe.

How can you protect your own well-being if you're in negative company? A good way is to limit contact, cut conversations short but smile and be polite, see that the other person must have struggles of their own and accept their comments as a product of their issues- not yours. I don't feel strong enough to face and accept negative comments right now, so I know the best way to keep myself safe is through limiting contact with people that make me feel rubbish. Zoe said that I'm important too, so I don't have to people please; I should protect me first. I thought this was really good advice: only keep people that make you feel good close. 

I read my letter and as predicted, I left Mind feeling wobbly. We have more work to do on the letter next week, but it's left me feeling sad. A tough pregnancy and being surrounded by negativity left me quite vulnerable; the loneliness I felt when I was pregnant became all to apparent when I read out my letter. I wanted to reach out to pregnant me and hug her, be there for her, then when that feeling faded, I felt angry for her, I wanted to defend her, fight for her. 7 hours later, the anger remains.

Today I've learned that part of the recovery process is releasing emotions and making peace with them. This can send us back into depths of anguish once again, but to deal with emotions, firstly you have to face them. I hope I get to bury some of these emotions next week, I need to make peace with the past. 

Some people believe that it's bad to return to the past and I think they're right in many ways. I also think that to look at and evaluate what's been and gone gives us the opportunity to change how we live in the future, whilst it helps us understand the present. To look at the past can be really valuable if it's done positively.

The best advice from today's session however is to remember that you are important too, so surround yourself with people who make you feel it.

A different kind of sunshine

Spring is on the way. The temperature read 9 degrees in my car today and the sun felt warm and appeared less dazzling than the sun in Winter. Knowing that the nights are getting lighter and days longer brings a sense of relief; the cold, dark days and nights only add to my dull mood.

This week has been a good week. Today and yesterday I spent time with other mummies who have been at the hands of PND. I look to these women for support, comfort and advice; I enjoy their company massively and talking about our highs and lows makes us feel... normal.

Today, a very good Mummy friend of mine made lunch for 3 of us at her house; it was lovely. Sometimes the thought of having to pack the changing bag and planning to leave the house at precisely the right time to coincide with a nap or to avoid a feed time proves too much. But once I'm out of the house and in my support circle of fantastic, lovely mummies, there's nowhere else I'd rather be.

Summer will soon be here and I can feel my mood beginning to lift as the sun warms and the world around me becomes more colourful. My mummy friends will be feeling it too, and having built friendships during the lowest times of our lives, I get to look forward to enjoying the warmer, happier times with them.

Session 2 followed by tea for 2

'Exhausting' would be the best way to describe my session at Mind this week. It was different in that I wasn't filling Zoe in on the details of my reason for being there, but exploring my mindset and my feelings.

Like my first session, I left feeling lighter and better about myself afterwards; I think that learning to forgive yourself for feeling the way you feel is a big part of the 'getting better' process.

Zoe has given me homework. This week I have to write a letter to someone I care about, sharing my feelings. I have finished the letter, which is 8 pages long and now sits on my bedside table in preparation for Session 3. I found myself getting emotional during the parts of the letter where I found myself apologising; I wonder which parts of the letter will make me feel emotional when I read it out to Zoe? I know I will be exhausted after the next session.

An extra highlight to my counselling sessions is bumping into an old friend who just happens to have counselling on the same day as me, at the same time. This week, we went for a cup of tea at a little family run cafè afterwards. It hasn't been open long: quirky, modern, embracing strange teas and unique teapots. My cherry green tea was served in one made purely of glass, whilst K opted for a Chai tea in a traditional mug. 

The company was lovely. We didn't say much, both drained after our sessions, but it was perfect. K also treated me to a brownie, strictly off limits, but apt after a morning of emotional turmoil!

Next week, we're going to meet in the waiting room beforehand so that we can have a proper catch up, then we'll go our separate ways to wind down after our sessions. I don't think I'll be good company after reading out my letter. Afterwards, I plan on ripping it up into little pieces and throwing it away, a ritual I feel will be a big part of 'letting go' of certain feelings. I hope it works!

Lunch... a past time?

Weaning is in full swing in our house. Baby H is having 3 meals a day (when she's in the mood) along with her usual 5 milk feeds. They say that she'll drop a feed eventually and I hope it's soon!

It's hectic: once I've finished one task, it's on to another and H only has 20 minute naps throughout the day, which means I'm also endeavouring to entertain her much of the time.

I haven't eaten a proper lunch all week! Chaos aside, I'm enjoying being kept busy- it gives me a greater sense of purpose. Daytime TV has long escaped intrigue and it's become a bore, so this new busy me is good!

H's small choking incident is a distant memory and I'm now beginning to enjoy watching her experiment with new flavours and textures. It's a new way of bonding with my girl as we share carrot and cucumber sticks, offering me her chewed up leftovers! It's nice.

Milestones bring with them challenges but also, moments of joy and I'm finding remedy in that. As for lunch, so long for now!

Finding Out

As a new mum, I found it difficult to comprehend my feelings. They say that baby blues are normal, whilst the continuation of anxiety and feelings of hopelessness are not normal beyond around 4 weeks post-partum. That aside,  PND is actually very common. I didn't know what I was feeling when I was feeling it because I was so tired and busy; I had no time to reflect on feelings, and besides they were insignificant with a newborn to take care care of.

 I didn't notice my extreme anxiety over cleanliness, my disinterest in the world around me, I barely noticed how long I'd been staring out of the window- lost. I didn't take account of being more than tired, of feeling hopeless and miserable that this was now my life, the feeling of being suffocated by the influx of well meaning visitors and the feeling that she belonged to someone else. She didn't look like me.
"Is she mine?"
 The negative thought paths I'd go down, thinking about work, how I'd let everyone down, my interfering mother-in-law. Drained in her company. Drained full stop.

At 6 weeks post-partum, my low feelings and mood were picked up by a Health Visitor and I received a phone call from my GP the following day, asking to see me. I was diagnosed with PND that day.

PND shows itself in many guises, mine had little to do with the way I'd bonded with my daughter, although it played a minor part in the black cloud that fogged my ability to be happy. The deeper I fell into my lonely hole, the more I ate, food was a comfort for depression and for colic. My anger, irritability, guilt and fear ripened; my partner took the brunt well, whilst also hiding away from what needed to be addressed. I shouted, blamed him, apologised, cried then did it all over again.


On being diagnosed, I was offered but didn't want to take anti-depressants as they hadn't agreed with me during a previous bout of depression 5 years ago. I was therefore referred to an organisation for women with PND. A Mental Health Nurse who I'll refer to as 'MN', talked things through with me and offered practical solutions for issues that made me angry, anxious or upset.

After following some of her advice, I realised that I just needed someone to acknowledge my feelings and tell me it was ok to feel the way I did. MN was well meaning, but wanted to up-route me from my negative feelings and thought processes, long before I was ready to be up-routed. I was happy in my miserable rut and in some ways, I still am.

I then considered seeking help from mental health charity Mind, as I did 5 years ago. On the day of calling them, I was given a consultation with a counsellor who explained to me that Mental Health Nurses and counsellors work in different ways, if MN's way wasn't working, then perhaps counselling was the way forward. I was subsequently added to the 9 week waiting list.

On February 14th 2015, I met my counsellor, Zoe.
On the way to my first appointment, I was worried about how I'd begin, what would I say to her?
It was difficult at first then once I began, it flowed.

Zoe listened and listened, confirmed what I'd said at times to help me make sense of my thinking. I wanted to squeeze in everything during that session, but it was impossible, I gave her snippets of information, coupled with explanations of my feelings. She didn't offer practical advice, but at the end told me that what I'd been through had been "really, really shitty" and that it was no wonder I was feeling the way I was. This clarification and acceptance of my feelings was a positive outcome for me and one I know will be a part of my recovery.

I don't want to document the intensity of my negative thoughts and feelings during the darkest days of PND, but my journey to getting better and I now think that part of that journey begins at Mind. I want to document everything that makes me feel good or happy, then hopefully, my blog will inspire other women to seek help and get better too.